Chapter 16: Doubt

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Lavender. Lavender with perhaps the subtle scent of vanilla. That's exactly what I could smell from off his shirt. Although it had been severals days since I got to smell that fragrance, it was permanently embedded into my memory. Like a parasite I couldn't get rid of, and it ate away at me all weekend. It was just always there in the back of my mind, and any time I thought back to Friday, that's when I could always smell it the strongest.

If it was indeed perfume, there could have been a number of reasons. Perhaps he hugged a co-worker or a student having a rough day. Perhaps he went and visited his parents and it was his mother's perfume that had rubbed off on him. Whatever the case, I was desperate to come to some sort of answer on my own. I was trying so hard to make up a comforting excuse that I could latch onto in order to put my mind at ease. However even than, nothing was adding up. I knew in my gut that just simply wasn't the case.

What bothered me the absolute most was that I couldn't say anything to him. It wouldn't be fair of me to make accusation, he deserved better than that. Jumping to conclusions would ruin everything that we had worked so hard to build and I trusted him... or at least I wanted to. Aside from that, I couldn't see any form of real motivation. Even if there was motive, I refused to believe he would do something like that to me.

I loved him with all of my heart and soul and I knew that he loved me but, I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a shred of doubt to that now. In fact I was doubtful of anything and everything in my life right now. Doubting I could work things out with my parents. Doubting Juliet would ever forgive me. Doubting Mark, doubting our relationship and even doubting my own thoughts and emotions. It just all seemed to be a battle I wouldn't and could never win.

"(YN!)" Hearing my name being called, I came to and peered up from my text book completely shaken of the thought. I'm sure my vaciant expression lined across my face said it all. I had no idea what was going on, and everyone's eyes were on me. "Would you care to explain what Metaphysics is," Ms. Fernandez bellowed back at me. My mouth ran dry as I stuttered for an answer. I took a deep breath and swallowed hard struggling for the words. I remembered briefly flipping through my philosophy text book over the weekend but I just couldn't remember coming across anything to do with Metaphysics.

I found myself sinking lower and lower into my seat beginning to feel so small, knowing everyone's burning gaze was boring into me awaiting an answer. I could only shake my head seeing as I just didn't have one to give and with my luck, Metaphysics was probably covered in the first chapter of our textbooks. "It's talk of abstract theories without basis in reality." I shuttered hearing that string of words on that voice, and cocked my head off to the side. Juliet who sat two rows behind me had her hand in the air ever so slightly, and for a split second she returned my gaze.

"It covers concepts such as: being, knowing, time and space just to name a few." She spoke with such confidence and seemed relatively sure of herself. Part of me was impressed but, on the other hand I had realized something. She saved me when it was clear I was drowning but, I couldn't understand why. "Very good. I'm glad to see someone did their research," Ms. Fernandez hissed and without even having to look back at her, I somehow knew that jab was directed at me.

I turned back around to the front of the classroom watching Ms. Fernandez pace back and forth as she continued to speak. Although her lips were moving and I could clearly hear the sound of her voice, I just wasn't listening. My mind was far too hazy to take in anything she was saying and as a result, her words were just going in one ear and out the other. She may as well have been speaking gibberish because I just couldn't understand.

***

At the sound of the dismissal bell yet another day of school was over and although I just wanted to get home, I wasn't particularly looking forward to having to see Mark. I wasn't looking forward to having to pretend as if everything was alright. I didn't want to plaster a smile on my face each time I felt my heart ripping into even more pieces. I wanted answers, answers in which I'd never get. Not without risking our entire relationship because if I was wrong, it would ruin us and that would completely destroy me.

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