Sick of It

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I'm sick of being sad all the time. As soon as I seem to get happy something brings me down. I've been finding it harder and harder to be happy. Happiness is so artificial it seems.

They wouldn't understand, they'd prosecute me and judge me. No matter what they found out. So many things to hide, maybe it's them seeping through my seems that make me sad. If I just cut the seems I bet some of the sadness would escape and make way for happiness, but sadly the cuts heal over, trapping the sadness inside.

Recently I feel like I've been distant to the only friends I have. Noonel hasn't been talking to me as much lately. Julie and Davi understand eachother better. They have something I can never understand with there culture differences, love for art, and a full family.

No matter how hard I try I can't bring my self to love art again, my expression can only be explained through a jumble of words.

I feel so distant not because I'm walking away, but I lost the anchor that held me down. My sadness goes deeper than ever before, something Julie and Davi couldn't understand. In the end Davi can be accepted with her art and Julie is still outgoing enough to be able to interact, but where does that leave my when they leave like the rest?

I hate to admit it, but I know they'll leave. I'm not planning on leaving them, I have no where else to go, but eventually they'll move. I'm scared for that day, truly scared. I know I couldn't make new friends. I'd lock myself away and throw away the key, they're my last hope of a good friendship.

I wish Noonel was here. I wish she wouldn't be so busy so I could talk to her again. I couldn't help her and know she's busy, I just can't win for losing with that girl.

My brother just is the icing on the top of the cake. Trying to show off his new found "Individualism" he won't listen anymore. He's become selfish and mean. Everyone I thought that could be nice in the end all revert back to that sometime it seems. I'm no exception to that though.

I'm sick of being sad and I'm sick of being alone with my thoughts. My thoughts take me to places in my mind I try to avoid, but they scream in the silence. They scream of fear and terror. They scream of loneliness and betrayal. But most of all my thoughts remind me everyday of the same thing, so everyday I break a little more. I don't get the meaning of it all anymore. Day in and day out the same thing. Same sadness, same depression, and same loneliness.
I can't be happy forever, but it sure seems like I can be sad forever. I guess I'll throw a pity party with Melanie Martinez and cry if I want to. I've been listening to a lot of music lately, it helps with deluding my thoughts a bit.

I don't get it anymore, but I guess I'll go on. I'd be to chicken to do anything else but walk on.
Eh, maybe it will get better.
Then again I don't believe that, it just sounded good to put something positive there.

Davi doesn't call me a good writer, I won't show her my writing though. My good writing is all depressing to people, she wouldn't like to see that. They say I'm only good for history, it's not like I don't believe them.

Eh, oh well. At least I got these thoughts out of my head so I can sleep now hopefully.

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