Do you have to make me feel as if there was nothing left for me to live for? That cruel look in your eyes, that squashed line that used to be a mouth that curved upwards in a smile, it's convincing me slowly. What was I to do when the only person I loved didn't want me anymore?
Everyday, I glance at you hopefully, wishing I could see some form of recognition, or maybe even concern for my state of health but no, no you never did show anything. You never did do anything much for me, and I think...I think I remembered someone telling me that before. Someone told me that you would never-no I must have remembered it wrongly. You must have cared. You must have.
I see flashes of our past sometimes, but they seem so unreal and so dim, I could barely catch anything. I feel as if I'm floating in another life, a life that I didn't belong to. I could read, and I could speak, but they didn't sound like me. I didn't know what I sounded like. It was terrifying at night, when my reflection was cast onto the silver mirror opposite me. I would see some flashes again, me being in a stunning pink dress with roses and silk, or an old washed out poplin. In any way, that girl wasn't me. She was carefree, unbroken, and outspoken. She was nothing like me. She was someone else.
I think that's true. When you look at me, you don't seem to see me. Your hard eyes search for something, but they always seem to fail, and that's when you leave me. I want to hear your voice, feel your hands, like my memories did, but it never happened. I experimented once, choosing an expression I had seen in my visions.
Your eyes had lit up with sudden hope, but they immediately dimmed when I spoke. You knew that it wasn't her. Nevertheless, that hope became my hope. I knew you could have feelings, even if you didn't have any for me.
When you came in this morning again, I had seen you drop a locket. Curious and frightened, I had left it there until you left, bringing my uneaten breakfast along with it. I had swore that I wouldn't eat until you spoke, but you never relented. I was getting weaker by the day, but you still remained stubborn. I think that you didn't want me to live anyway.
I opened the locket, and saw me. But she wasn't me. She had beautiful blond hair, but my hair was black. Something was different about her too. She was just like the me in my dreams, and I was sure she wasn't me. I looked like her, but I wasn't her.
Maybe I was connected to her, somehow. But I wasn't her. You were going to have to deal with me being who I am, because I'm not that girl, no matter who she was to you. The next morning, when you came into the room, I returned you the locket. Then, I strode out of the room blatantly, feeling warm air ruffle my hair as I breathed in the spicy scent of the rain. I hadn't been out before, and the feeling was beautiful.
Your hand closed around my wrist like a vise, and I felt as if sparks shot up my arm. I shook it off though, because I wasn't going to let you rule my life. I pulled away and turned away from you, running down the hallway, bursting out of the huge wooden doors.
I would never replace that girl, but I had her life. I had her love for you, even if you don't have it for me. I guess you would never accept me, but I won't let you keep me locked up in a room for the rest of my life, waiting for me to turn into her. I was going to do whatever I liked, and you were going to love me for that.
You had followed me behind, your eyes burning with anger as you tried to drag me back in, but I ran out of your reach, glaring. I wasn't her, and you can't change me into her. I was me. Spinning around, I picked my skirts up and ran barefoot down the hill to the lake. I skidded to a stop, sinking to the ground, looking at my reflection in the water.
I wasn't her.
I will never be.