All Fear The Reaper

Chapter Twenty Two

Making my feet keep walking was the hardest part. I wanted nothing more than to give in, give up, to roll over and die, but I wasn't that person anymore.

"Your faith was strong but you needed proof"

I wasn't going to give up. I wanted to fight for what I wanted.

"You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moon light overthrew ya"

The problem was, I didn't know what I wanted to fight for anymore.

"She tied you to a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, she cut your hair"

I felt like a child, left—cold, frozen, shaking—in the midst of winter. I was confused, alone, and with nowhere to go.
Maybe I don't want to live anymore.

"And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah"

You can do this.

"Hallelujah, Hallelujah"

Goddammit, I was going to survive. I was going to live for just this once. I was done barely scraping by.

"Baby, I've been here before
I know this room and I've walked this floor"

I didn't need Drew to keep me alive. I didn't need him much at all.

"And love is not a victory march
Its cold and it's a broken, Hallelujah"

Then again, I loved him infinitely more than I loved myself.
So I was stuck.
Torn.
Ripped in half.

"Hallelujah"

But I loved Sean too. And I held Giuliana above everybody else. She was there long before anyone else, and will be there long after. I loved her, really and truly, to the core.

"Hallelujah"

Choose, Toni.
Pick up your feet, and choose.

"Hallelujah, Hallelujah"

Drew or Giuliana or Sean.
Pick one.
Find one.
Choose.

"Did my best, it wasn't much"

Choose one.

"Couldn't feel so I tried to touch"

I wanted to rip my heart out of my chest. I couldn't do this anymore.

"I told the truth I didn't come to fool ya"

Drew.

"Even though it all went wrong"

Giuliana.

"Stand before the Lord of song"

Sean.

"With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah"

I made a split second decision and I chose.

"Hallelujah"

Find him. Tell him how you feel.
Move your feet and find him.
I don't see him. He can't have left. He wouldn't do that to me.

"Hallelujah"

But I love you.
I've always loved you.
I always will love you.

"Hallelujah"

I refuse to tell you this on the phone. God knows I've kept it to myself for long enough.
I won't confess my love for you on the phone.

"Hallelujah"

There he is. I see him.
He stood tall amongst a group of cheerleader girls.
He's gotten so tall. When did he get so tall?

"Hallelujah"

Just do it.

"Hallelujah"

I forced my feet to move. I made myself go towards him. It felt like an eternity as I elbowed my way through the mass of girls.
I passed Sean, and I knew I could never love someone who would force me to choose that way.
I just knew.

"Hallelujah"

"I love you."
"I love you, too."
And it felt like nothing short of crossing a battle field.
I had made my decision. I couldn't back out.
It all came down to this moment.
"I don't love anybody else but you. I don't want anybody else. I just want you."

"Hallelujah"

"Give me a time and a place and I'll be there to say 'I do.' I want to marry you, Drew."
"Meet me at the court house the day after graduation, we'll do it right."
It all comes down to this.
And he kissed me.