I went to set up my camera for a new video, an Internet Support Group one to be exact. They were my favorite and least favorite videos to film at the same time. "Phil, where's the wine?" I waited for a couple minutes until I realized we didn't live together anymore.
I live with my girlfriend who I love.
I need to stop forgetting that, we are getting married.
I can't miss him.
I just can't, Angelina made me choose and I chose her.
I chose her.
I cleared my head of these thoughts and went to get the wine. Alone, without Phil. Godammit, brain stop being obsessed. You can't afford to think like this.
Now returned to my desk, with my camera and wine and got to work on my emails.
They were the usual, ones about love, social problems, or fangirling. I decided one more before I ended my video. Here we go!
I have a problem about one of my friends. We used to be so close, many people actually shipped us. I thought about him daily. I remembered every little detail about him. In fact, I fell in love with him, and I still am. But he has someone else. That someone else is so important that he gave up on me. I could list everything I love about him but it would take forever, but I'll list fifty.
50. His style, all black but one in a million
49. His anime love
48. His eagerness to be active(not really)
47. His obsession with placenta
46. His hats that are the shit
45. His consistency with YouNow
44. That he accepts my obsession with Christmas
43. The way he looks when he sleepy
42. How amazingly fast he breaks straighteners
41. How he told me he loved my glasses every time I wore them
40. He can draw
39. His obsession with Delia Smith
38. His obsession with YouTubers even though he's internet famous
37. His hatred for spoilers
36. How great he is at makeup
35. His love for MUSE
34. The way he mumbles
33. His genesis brain
32.How he was ok without law school
31. His cringe attacks
30. How he's sure that typos have ruined his life
29. His perfect Kristen Stewart face
28. His tumblr addiction
27. How he licks golden syrup off his fingers
26. How he made me buy drinks for him in America
25. How he always let's me stroke his glabella
24. His never uploads on YouTube
23. How he's still in his emo "phase"
22. His fairy lights
21. The way he comforted me when we first moved in and there was a storm
20. How he's not afraid to be his own person
19. How he was at his best on-air
18. That he was ok with just staying in and being alone together
17. His small gauges
16. How he was a great father to Dil
15. Him shirtless
14. His amazing contributions to our book
12. The way he defends little girls' sandcastles
11. That he cared no matter what
9. His basic brown eyes
8. How he understands that it's ok to stay up till 7 in the morning
7. His obsession with High School Musical
6. How his pants never fit and I could always see his boxers
5. That he shares my love in cat whiskers
4. His laugh
3. Scrolling Position
2. His Hobbit Hair
1. His name, Daniel James Howell.
I'm sorry Dan. I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier. Because I didn't want to ruin what we had. You don't feel the same way and I hate that but I needed to tell you. I'm sorry we can't have what you and Angelina have. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough. I'm sorry I wasn't worth it. Don't forgive me, don't call me and ruin what you guys have. I'm sorry. I LOVE YOU, and that is all Dan.
I couldn't see my screen anymore. I was bawling, I had let go of the boy who loved me. The boy who I loved. He missed me this whole time. And I never wondered why he stopping making videos or why the radio show was discontinued or why he was never on tumblr anymore. I ruined him, I crushed my real best friend.
And I needed to talk to him.