Chapter 8 - Journal

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October 23, 2015

Five days. That was when my expected death date was. I couldn't believe it. Calum still didn't know. I felt so bad.

I sat on my bed, looking through my journal that I was going to plant in Calum's room for him to find sometime.

"October 6, 2015: Calum.. Can I tell you a terrible thing? It seems that I'm sick and I've only got weeks..." It was terrible reading it, knowing those weeks were almost up, "please don't be sad, now. I really believe you were the greatest thing that's ever happened to me."

"September 29, 2015: A message to our children to show them when they're old enough. To our son and daughter, whatever you may choose to name them: I love you. I hope your father hasn't messed up any haha. As I'm writing this, you're in my stomach. Weird to think, huh? I wonder when you two are reading this. At seven? Twelve? Fifteen? Twenty? I'll never know, will I? Just remember that I'll always be watching over you. And don't ever do anything that would hurt anyone, if you can help it. Make sure you're good to your father. He's been through so much. Make good choices and don't give in to peer pressure. If you're having problems, talk to your father or uncles. Son, make sure you treat a girl right and although your dad may say the opposite, women are always right. To our daughter, make sure you find the right guy. If he doesn't give you the same feeling as you get when the pizza guy comes, he's not worth it (your uncle Mikey's words). Make sure you pay attention to how a guy treats his mother, which is how he would treat you. To both of you, I love you so very much. I'll never forget you, even if I don't meet you two. I'll always love you two. ~ Mum"

One said, "August 14, 2015: the story of you and me, well, it's amazing. I wouldn't change it for anything. Love was a story that couldn't compare. I love you forever and always:)"

"July 20, 2015: I know I may never be able to see our kids grow up or walk down the aisle to you or to even hear you say the words 'will you marry me?'. I have imagined these all so many times in my head. Just know that when we are reunited we can to everything we've ever planned to do. I promise you that."

"June 18, 2015: I know that life can do terrible things. You'll learn one day, maybe the day I pass. I'll hope and I'll pray that God shows our kids differently.. I hope they never have to go through what I'm putting you through. Take good care of them. I love you and the twins forever xx"

I read another entry, "May 2, 2015: So... I'm pregnant. With only six months to live. I truly hope the babies make it. I will love you and them forever, Cal:)"

"April 12, 2015: Cal... I want you to always know this. I love you so very much and I can tell by your eyes that you're in love with me."

"March 28, 2015: Today is my last birthday. You made it perfect, as usual. I may not make it into my twenties, but I hope I make it there in your memory, as you will in mine. All my love:)"

"February 19, 2015: It's been almost a month since I found out I have nine months to live. I'm down to eight now. Just know that my love for you will never die, even if I do."

"January 28, 2015: So I'm dying in nine months.. I'm so sorry to be doing this to your I don't know how you'll take it. I never imagined this would be our worries this early in life. Never forget me, please. I'll never forget you. We may not ever be able to get married, have kids, explore the world together, become grandparents, or grow old together but all of our memories together are enough for me, since there are so many. You'll never leave my mind, not for one second. Love you forever and always, -Hayley:)"

As I read all of these, I teared up. I had written one every day. After I pass, Calum will want to read this. I'll plant it in his room for him to see. I love him too much to just leave him unexpectedly without leaving anything of mine behind that he can cherish forever. This, along with our baby boy and baby girl, will be his pieces of me to remember me by.

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