[1] Him

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To not be able to please the man I love.
Its an ongoing fear that passes through my mind and decides to secure itself between the crevices of my thoughts. He is truly all I needed. Kakashi Hatake, the man who I found on my front door step looking at the bouquet of burnt roses in horror. The roses he had planned to give me after he confessed his feelings to me. I remember the sheepish smile he held as he hurried to explain that his students had decided to play a prank on the unsuspecting male. Which ended in lighting up the originally, lavender colored roses. It was definitely out of character for him, to loose his cool as he scrambled to clean the ashes that fell to the ground-a red blush could be seen peeking out from under his mask. It took everything I had to not burst out laughing-it definitely was quite the confession. My smile couldn't have been brighter when I hugged him right then and there, mumbling my own confession to him. It was euphoric, to be in his sturdy, warm embrace. Knowing that we shared the same feelings and there was no one to stop our growing love.
I was beyond happy.

As the months passed we only grew closer. Taking it slow by going on dates, furthering the bond we had. Until one day, I refused to wait any longer so I mustered up enough courage to ask him to be my boyfriend. Yes, I switched it up. It shouldn't matter who asked because in the end, we wanted each other, and he was clumsy when it came to love at the time. Turns out, on the very day I asked him and decided to further our relationship, he was planning to ask me to be his as well.
I marked it as one of the best and sweetest days I'd ever had with him

No, our relationship wasn't all daisies and green grass, there were definitely those bumps along the road. He, being a ninja to serve and protect the village and I, a young baker who worked non stop each day, we barely had time for one another. He was out on missions and I was busy helping my sickly mother and her shop.
During the week of my mother's passing was probably the hardest times of my life. Her funeral, the money expenses. Not to mention the emotional part of loosing the woman who had cared for me ever since she had found me at the side of a traveling road when she went to a neighboring village as a young ninja. Bundled up in soft, cozy blankets. She retired early and took care of me, opening up her own bakery in Konoha.
I was truly grateful for that, and I never missed the absence of my true parents because I had her, I needed no one else's love. That is until Kakashi came along.
But during that long hard week of loosing her to an incurable illness, Kakashi was there for me. Through my tears and anger. He saved up his money to help pay the expenses for the shop and her funeral. He is truly the man I never knew I needed and wanted.
We shared sweet kisses and hugs, late night pillow talks and morning walks when he had the time. I was in love, and I still am, it seems as if each day brings me to a new level of feelings.
A new passion burning inside of me, waiting to be released.
I didn't think I could be happier.
But I find myself lately, letting sinful thoughts cross my mind, ones of lustful nights, heated bodies against one another, showing that we loved one another an we could pleasure one another.
It got me wondering, why, after 4 years, has he not bothered to go further. I wasn't complaining.
In fact, I love what we have now. But am I not good enough to please him, to throw him into those exhilarating nights that my friends had often bragged about. Its been nagging at me for some time now. Was he not ready? Does he think I'm not? Its not that I have an uncontrollableqq growing lust and want to pounce him each time I see him. I'm just afraid of not being seen as a woman.
But after some thought and long talks with some close friends, I decided to talk to him about it. When he gets home from the week long mission the hokage had assigned him and three others.
I need to know why he-

The alarming sound of a door slamming open and a panicked shout for my name snaps me out of my thoughts.
I was busy kneading the dough when it happened and I accidentally knocked over the flower bag and some baking supplies.
The sound of cooking utensils falling to the wooden floor boards resonated through the spacious apartment as I focused my thoughts to the man that came back surprisingly early.
"(Y/N)!"
I quickly wiped the remaining dough from my hands onto the plain white apron, spinning to face Kakashi. My very loose bun tumbled out from the lazy twist up do I did earlier, to keep the hair out of my way.
Falling over my shoulders in a very messy way.
I'm sure that I'm covered in flower but the panic in his voice brushes that thought away. I wrung my fingers nervously as this happened, just imagining the conversation I was planning go have with him. I thought it would take a couple more hours for him to be back. But I couldn't back out if this now.
Before I could take one good look at him and ask him what's the matter, he had already reached me and had me wrapped up in his warm, sturdy embrace-the one I was oh-so familiar with.
His hands pressed my head into his chest
This one felt a little different though.
It didn't feel right.
The smell of burning wood immediately reached my nose and a small hint of a feminine perfume came from him. I crinkle my nose at the strong scent that lingered heavily on his clothes.
This wasn't his normal scent.
I didn't dare move my body to hug him back, I wanted to know what was wrong first.
"I love you so much (y/n)" He says, burying his face into my (h/c) locks.
"Kakashi? Whats wrong? Why are you-" my voice sounded a bit muffled from talking through his clothing but he silences me by putting one hand over my mouth, interrupting me.
I shifted uncomfortable on my feet.
What is happening? I know he would be happy to see me and all, and I him, but something is wrong here.

"Your okay" he whispers into my ear, "Oh god, your okay"

He completely ignored my questions. And what does he mean by 'I'm okay'?

It only furthered my confusion when he so suddenly ran his cold, calloused hands down my back.
I could only stand there, stiff as a board, confused as hell.
Flashes backs of a man touching me in this exact way suddenly came back to me, only for a second before I shook it away.
The silence slowly took over us as he continued to run his hands up and down my back. I decided to just let him calm down for a second but after a couple silent seconds I slowly began to notice a few things.
His hands are always covered with his gloves, unless he is resting. And they were always warm and gentle. But these hands were uncovered and cold.

He wasn't supposed to be home this early either.
I was slowly putting together the pieces.
I looked up to see that familiar head of silver hair.
It looked like him.
Something wasn't right by I just couldn't out my finger on it.
But right when his hands grabbed onto my chin and the other went lower than it should've, it hit me.

His actions.
They were undoubtedly familiar.
But not pleasurable.
Sudden flashes of painful memories burst through my mind, as if I was reliving those terrible moments.

Calloused hands, sickening grunts and laughs.

Dark hair, itchy stubble.

With my heart beat quickening and my now trembling hand reaching for the kitchen knife that rested on the wooden counter inches away, only one thought crossed my mind as I realized this man wasn't Kakashi.

'He found me'

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