July 3, 2015
I've been out of school for about four weeks now. I guess I'm at that point in the summer where you keep track of days, but only because you have to. sometimes lately I can't remember what the day is or what previous days were. today is Friday, but it feels like yesterday was Monday.
I arrived in New York on the 22nd of June. it's been about a week since then. I had high expectations coming up here. I thought maybe if I got away from everything in Florida I'd have a different experience, maybe, of summer. I ran away from things that mattered, to a town I haven't been to in three years. I suppose I didn't really "run" away from everything, because everything that I was worried about while I was in Florida are still bothering me while I'm 19 hours away. it's just all my thoughts. I do this to myself since I dwell on things for too long, and as much as I'd like to blame someone or something for all the thoughts I have, in the end it's just me and my mind.
maybe I need a distraction that takes my mind off things long enough for me to find a "happy place". a place I had before. a place where I can just be myself and alone. there are times when I can listen music and zone out, not the bad kind of zoning out, where I'm quiet and thinking about anything, but the kind where I feel the music throughout my body and I'm here in this life but I'm also not.
I feel sometimes that I'm not even here, not in the way I want it to be. the times at night when everyone's asleep and having their sweet dreams, I'm awake and just here. I can't play my music out loud to drown the thoughts of things like "what if I don't get better?" "what if my social, mental, physical health all spirals farther down the hill it's already on?" but most of all "what if I never find the thing that I truly love?" because out of all things I believe this world needs love and I feel I have so much, but no one to truly give it to in the romantic/physical but also platonic sense. I am only in high school and I'd like to think at times I love the life I live but I am entirely unsure. I want to love someone. and I want them to love me back unconditionally and I suppose that's why I listen to music, because it makes me feel like something is surrounding me, since love is absent, bass lines and intellectual lyrics engulf me in all the things I wanna hear, but don't from a person I know. I don't know I suppose.
2:07 - 2:23