July 11, 2015

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July 11, 2015
For a long time, I'm not sure how long, but for a long time I've wanted to be happy. That kind of happy that stays with you even if you're awake at 3 in the morning, you're still relatively happy and not consumed in all the bad thoughts you have; because with being happy I would think that you don't have bad thoughts.
Of course, there have been times in my life where I've had moments where I have been happy, but looking at my life I feel that I just haven't been happy in all the times I should've/ would've/ could've been. I don't know who or what is to blame, I could blame people or events, hell I could blame myself, but I don't know.
I cannot pinpoint a time or place where I felt unhappy all together, I just know that it gradually came and it gradually got worse. it continues to get worse.
I "try" to help myself, but I feel my efforts just cause the situation to be neutral. I try to participate in thing, go out and have fun, but once the fun is over, once I'm back to my house or whatever relative "home" state, I'm down again. and I just don't know.
I just want to be happy. I don't want someone to come into my life and make me happy, I want to be happy on my own. I want to be happy with where I am in life and who I am, but I am not, and I'm disappointed with the fact that I don't know when I will be. I want to be happy.
5:24- 5:33

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