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So here we are, im sat smoking a cigarette, a roll up actualy, im poor i cant afford to smoke proper cigs and when i do smoke a proper cig it does not have the desired affect as im used to the harsh hit the back of your throat smoke that a roll ups give, a all round better kick i find, im drinking coffee too, i drink too much coffee i think, no, "i know" i drink too much coffee, simply by the fact i piss all fucking night, constant broken sleep for half asleep pisses in the bathroom sink, the reason i piss in the sink when i go to the bathroom during the night is because if i try and hit the bowl i miss, men wake up with thier dicks hard when they need to piss, mornings, nightime whatever, so to save the inevitable earache from the missus about piss on the bathroom floor the taps get run full and i piss in the sink, it makes sence to me, unfortunatly my other half does not agree, but whatever.....

Im at this moment in time im 9 days clean and sober, i relapsed for six weeks after nearly 6 months clean, Heroin and Crack are my poison, ive been a addict all my life i was born with the disease and have been fighting it for like the past ten years, basicaly it stopped being any fun a long time ago, it has put me in prison for a 6 year stretch and a 3 year stretch of which i served half, the crimes where supply of a class A substance, selling to feed my habit, i never made any money from drug dealing just gave myself a huge habit and sank deeper and deeper into the misery and despair of active addiction. 

Today i have started to feel alive again, Heroin and Coke drain you mentaly and physicaly, ive laid in bed for the most part of the past week, only going out to go the chemist and walk the dog for a bit of fresh air, my GF has been nursing me back to health, shes a fucking star in my opinion for doing so as she is in recovery herself, so to take her time out to help me kick this fucking terrible life destroying habit was a pretty amazing thing for her to do! (maybe i should stop pissing in her sink??) i owe her a huge debt for sticking with me, i hope one day to show her how much i appreciate what shes done, after all i walked out of her life 6 weeks ago to go and get totally fucked up.

We both attended the "Smart" recovery group today, we go every wendsday (when im not using) and we along with a number of others who are in various stages of recovery, and some who are still using, sit and talk and share our thoughts feelings and try to help each other in any ways we can, its a good group there are some really good people who come along, there are also some fucking disrespectful fuckers who come in stoned on smack or stinking of booze giving no thought what so ever to others that might be struggling, we have to tollerate this behaviour as we have all been there and are all guilty of being selfish and blinded by whatever drug of choice we may be using at the time, this also highlights the purpose of all getting together, in other addicts we recognise a lot of our own past, or present behaviours giving us the forsight and knowledge to change for the better in the future, but some are just plain ignorant and have no desire to change thier behaviours and are happy living that junkie lifestyle, you cant force change upon a person, it has to come from within themselves, a deep desire to change, and to accept the things you can not change.

So at this moment in time my GF is blasting zombies in the bedroom on Resident Evil, i dont feel like blasting zombies, ive seen enough of them today in the Smart group, she also bought two pet rats when i was out in the wastelands of active addiction, shes called them Jules and Snowden after the whistle blowers Julian Assange and Edward Snowden, shes says they are heroic people for standing up to the elite, so she named her two rats after them, im sure Edward and Julian would be honoured to be associated with two long tails, i myself have my own names for these two rats which i think is much better than her names, ive called them Ratticus, and Ratticus Ratticus, dont ask me why i just think that these are what they should be called, im thinking of baptising them both in the bathroom sink, i will have to wait until shes out before i perform the ceromony, they are both in a pretty big cage next to our bed, she leaves the top of the cage open of a night as she wants them to start being brave enough to venture out and start to become more tame and pet like.

A couple of nights ago i dropped off to sleep and was woken by Ratticus Ratticus who was standing on my head and tussling my hair in his little rat like paws, when i jumped up in fright the little fucker shot along the headboard and jumped back in the cage, my GF woke up and i told her what happened but she does not believe me as she is yet to see Ratticus or Ratticus Ratticus make there first foray into the domain of the bedroom, our dog Charlie is fascinated  by the two long tails also, the other day he put his nose through the bars of the cage sniffing and Ratticus bit him pretty hard, needless to say he dont put his snout into the rats cage anymore, lesson learned, wish i could learn my lessons as fast as Charlie!

Anyway ive had enough of writing this now, im going to go and lay down for a while and read a book.......oh one more thing to remember guys...

 The Truth Will Set You Free

Bye.

Antony.


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⏰ Last updated: Sep 02, 2015 ⏰

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