(writer's note: Again, I fail at writing T-T I attempted to make this chapter funny, ended up being kinda sad and kinda sweet. I need to do a Strings pov soon, writing from his view always lightens things up a bit :L Anyway! I ended up putting two puns in this story by accident and thought lol even though they weren't really funny just a bit... Ironic? Anyway, I've decided to dedicate this chapter to anybody who can point out the two puns, so just write it in your comment :D I hope you enjoy this chapter!)

Chapter 1

Stupid Sexual Orientation


When we found Ray’s note it was like losing him all over again. It was like all these unresolved feelings and pain were building up within me over the last year and a half but I had just ignored it. Then, Ray’s note just made something inside of me break, or crumble. It was like I was thrown to the back of my mind and all the agony just took over. I remember running out into the rain and breaking down… next thing I know this warmth surrounded me, touching my back, my arms, holding me and restraining the pain. And eventually the pain went away… and I must’ve blacked out.

I woke up in the same clothes I had on the day before, lying under my sheets with my head near the edge of my bed, slipping of my pillow. I could feel where I was but I didn’t want to open my eyes. I didn’t want to see reality again, knowing Ray was still gone… I knew that I’d only cry. But I couldn’t stay asleep forever.

When I did finally open my eyes, I actually smiled. It wasn’t the same dull, depressing reality that I’d always woken up to. It was Chris. He slept there, looking so innocent. Almost like a girl actually. His head was pressed against my pillow while the rest of his body lay on the floor and his hand was in mine. Mine had actually gone numb; he was holding it so tight, even though he was sleeping. He looked dead uncomfortable.

I slipped out of bed, reluctantly letting go of his hand and crouching by his side. I hoisted him up in my arms, expecting him to be really heavy and muscular, but he was light and soft. His head flimsily fell against my chest… against my heart. I wanted to just hold him in my arms but I was afraid he’d wake up. I lay him down on the bed and tucked the sheets over him. He was still sound.

I couldn’t resist the urge to touch his cheek, it was so soft. Dammit, taking advantage of him while he’s asleep- I’m so damn perverted! I sat on the edge of the bed and groaned. On the other hand… I began to argue with myself, It’s not like I’m kissing him or anything… Besides- I’m not even gay! I nodded, I just need to get laid, I nodded again, It’s just been a long time since I’ve been with someone. I froze… Okay, I’ve never been with someone- so I’m getting… desperate…

I turned to look at him… He looked so… god dammit- screw it- beautiful. How does anybody need to be desperate to go for him? He’s… perfect.

‘Red…’ He whispered softly, in a sleepy girlish voice. I blushed. He was dreaming of me, right?

I touch his cheek again, caressing it softly with my fingertips. Red, this is your conscious- don’t do what I think you’re thinking! I leaned in, my fringe falling forward and tickling his forehead but he didn’t wince. Dude- you’re not gay! My lips hovered over his. I breathed in every breath he breathed out and vice versa. Red… Me… don’t… I pressed my lips… against his forehead and walked out the room leaving him to sleep in my bed. I didn’t love him like that… Couldn’t love him like that.

‘Mornin’.’ I looked up. Strings was frowning. It’s weird, Ray had pointed it out once to me- Strings speaks his own language and usually what he was really saying was painted on his face. So by "Mornin’ " he meant, "Will you be able to handle the day?"

I let out a long sigh, feeling that weird stingy touch in my cheeks before I start crying. He opened his arms and I fell into him. Though I was the one shedding tears, I think he needed that hug more than me. He patted me manly on the back, scruffed my hair and nodded before walking away. It’s the way us men dealt with moments of weakness.


I watch the sunset from Sullaby paste it’s magical colours on the walls of my den. At first it was just a flowing, sparkling orange looking like a river of Irn Bru. Then, when the sun was just a bright orange line on the horizon, pinks, blues, purples, oranges and even reds danced about. But eventually the red faded away. I looked down at my hands. It’s kinda something a child would think, that they could vanish just as a colour did, let alone if that colour summed up who they are. Red. Ray gave me that name; told me it was his favourite colour. That’s not the reason I took it though. I took it so the guilt would never go away. Because red reminds me of her, her head smashed against the wheel, a dark, dark red running down her cheeks like tears that became thicker and thicker as I just stared. I let out a sob. I thought I might be fading away because that’s how I felt, I mean, first mum then Ray? Who next?

‘I thought you might be up here.’ I whipped my head around, Chris pulled himself up through the gap and face planted the floorboards. He laughed, ‘Guess that failed then.’ He looked up to me when I wasn’t laughing back, only holding my ankles together and staring down at him with tears in my eyes.

He pushed himself up and looked at the lights on the wall, ‘You really are an artist.’

I stayed silent and stared at the wall.

‘Red, say something?’

I said nothing.

He looked around; there were a few empty wooden boxes here and there, but a perfectly working radio on top of one. He turned it on but as he tuned through it all there was, was that annoying beat music that people liked to dance to. He pressed play on the mixed tape and I could hear the end of David Bowie’s Heroes. With me by Sum41 began. Chris began to take the mince out of himself by dancing the waltz with an invisible partner. I just glared at him for a second but couldn’t hold in the laugh. He was doing it all wrong.

I jumped up to my feet and walked to him, ‘You’ve never danced before have you?’ I took hold of his waist and hand and pulled him closer to me, not thinking straight.

‘Once, not very well. You have?’

‘It’s my secret shame.’ I admitted beginning to step in time to the music, leading him as he looked down at our feet. ‘I used to take lessons.’

‘No way.’ He chuckled.

‘Way. My mom was a ballerina.’

‘So you took ballet?’

I laughed, ‘Really, could you imagine me in a leotard? Nah, my dad wouldn’t let her force me into ballet, but she really wanted me to learn some type of dancing so I got lessons on how to dance stuff like the waltz.’

‘You’re really good at it.’ He said, I could feel the corners of my lips curve. We danced quietly for a while, listening to the words of the song… I couldn’t help but join it, I didn’t even realise I had until Chris began to mouth along to the words.

We kept our eyes locked on each other’s as the sparkling lights of Sullaby flew through the magnifying glass and onto us. His whole face looked as though it was made out of blue and lilac stars. Like the words of the song, I didn’t want that moment to ever end. I could feel the warmth from his hands pulse through my shoulder and hand. He looked so… amazing it was like he wasn’t a guy anymore… And why should that even matter? By the end of the song everything was crystal clear.

I don’t think I can hide it anymore. I’m in love with Chris.