Fallin' All In You (EN)

Chapter 13 - Should I or shouldn't I?

In the middle of the night, I wake up from a nightmare. I dreamt Shawn got shot—and this time, he didn't survive. I tried to stop the bleeding, but the blood kept pouring, more and more, until I was completely covered in it. And then I woke up.

Drenched in sweat, I climb out of bed and look out the window at the town hall clock. I rub my eyes and look again. Two in the morning. Not much sleep for me tonight. And now I'm scared to fall back asleep.

I go to the kitchen to make myself some hot cocoa and return to my room with the mug. I switch on my laptop, and the moment I log in, Shawn's sweet smile beams at me from the screen—he's wearing that light blue suit with the dark shirt from last year's Brit Awards. He looked so good in it.

At the sight of his eyes, my heart trembles. I remember the way he looked at me when we talked. I feel strange. I shouldn't feel what I feel—but it happened. I can't stop my heart. I barely even know him, and yet I can't forget him.

I tell myself I have to delete all the photos, the videos from my phone and laptop, and stop following him and listening to his music—otherwise, I'll never get over it. But I can't. He's not perfect—just an ordinary guy in an extraordinary life. He must have his bad habits, his flaws—and yet I love everything about him, down to the very last centimeter.

I'm crazy. I never thought I'd meet Shawn, talk to him, or anything more. Eventually, I fall asleep at the table without even realizing it.

Mom has started to suspect something. She keeps watching me curiously, waiting for me to tell her. But I have no need. Once was enough. She can't stand Shawn, so I won't involve her in this. The only ones I've told are Terka and Mom's boyfriend, Jarda. They both support me.

After breakfast, I get a text from Terezka. I grab my phone and open it.

Terka: "Anything new?"
Me: "No." I roll my eyes.
Terka: "Did you reply to him?"
Me: "No, and I don't plan to."
Terka: "Why not? Don't you love him?"
Me: "We're not a match. I need to forget him."
Terka: "And how exactly did you figure that out?"
Me: "Figure what out?"
Terka: "That you're not a match?"
Me: "I just know... Can we stop talking about this?"
Terka: "You're no fun since you came back from L.A."
Me: "Well, you're annoying."
Terka: "Without me, you'd be bored."
Me: "Probably."

It's been almost two weeks since I got back from L.A., and honestly, I'm not fun at all. But it's not my fault. If that Canadian hadn't messed with my head, I'd be fine. Instead, I keep sighing, being sad, overthinking, crying, and starting all over again. I'm exhausted.

I'm just about to unfollow Shawn Mendes when I freeze. There's a follow request on Instagram. User Shawn Mendes wants to follow you.

For a moment, my heart stops. It really is him. The official account. My hand trembles. I want to hit decline, but something inside tells me to accept. And I do. I follow my heart. I just hope I won't regret it. But how did he even find me?

I call Terka. "He sent me a follow request on Insta."
She's stunned: "Really?? Oh my God, that's amazing! Now you two can start messaging. That's so sweet."

I smile at the thought, but it still feels strange.
"But how did he find me?"
Terka immediately answers: "Someone probably tipped him off. Someone recognized you."
"Someone?"
"Luci, I don't know."
"Teri, I don't know what to do. This is so weird. I still can't believe what happened."
"What do you mean what to do? You'll start texting and calling, and you'll see. Maybe he'll fall in love with you—if he isn't already. And eventually, you'll be a couple."

I shake my head. "Please, how could he ever fall in love with me? I'm such a scatterbrained girl. And besides, we're so far apart. This can't work, I've told you that. You just have too wild an imagination."

Terka pulls a face and insists I'm the best, most amazing girl under the sun, and if she were a guy, she'd want to date me. She says she can totally imagine the two of us as a couple, and distance doesn't matter these days—it's just a number. But deep down, I still disagree with her.

After lunch, I head for a walk in Stromovka Park. I need to clear my head, and nature always helps. It's quite cold outside. I put on a beanie with a pom-pom and wrap a thick scarf around my neck. I take my gloves in one hand and my phone in the other. I turn off Wi-Fi and sound and shove it into my jacket pocket. I'll try to be offline for a while and just think.

I need to make a final decision. My thoughts lead me once again to the one person who turned my life upside down in just one night. He's only twenty-one, but he's so wise and mature for his age it seems impossible. I think his early career stole a piece of his childhood and the carefree fun other kids had. But on the other hand, he's doing what he loves and has gained the best fans in the world.

What his fans do for him—it's unbelievable. And he gives back with his love and support. We don't even deserve someone like him. We try to show him our love, respect, and support as much as we can, but it always feels like it's not enough. We'll never be able to truly repay him.

I've always wished for him to find a girl who would love him with her whole heart, show him that love every single minute of her life, spoil him, take care of him—because he deserves it. He deserves the whole world. And protection.

A tear slips down my cheek. I'm getting sentimental again. I don't know if that girl could ever be me, but honestly—who wouldn't want to be her? Every fan would. But would they also be willing to sacrifice something for him? Would they give up their privacy for love? Accept that their life would never be the same as before? That they wouldn't see Shawn as often as they'd want—or even their own family? That their beloved would spend more time in the studio, at concerts, or with a music teacher than with them at home?

Do those girls screaming they love him, that he's theirs, that they want to marry him—do they realize that life isn't just black and white?

I sigh. I don't even know how I'd handle it myself. I only know one thing: for my soulmate, I'd do anything in the world. Because that's the only thing that matters.