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Explanation A/N

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Hey guys so as you know I haven't actually updated in a while and honestly from the bottom of my heart I'm sorry about that. You don't deserve to be left having your prompts taking weeks just to be written. I just want to explain myself.

Over the past 3 months I just haven't been a well person. Mentally and Physically.

Physically as you know my voice has been gone for the past 3 months which has come with difficulties for me socially, and mentally. It's made me feel useless and hopeless.

So 3 months ago I had pharyngitis and laryngitis and I had a cold and I just wasn't very well for a week, with fevers and I lost my voice. Over the next few weeks I kept feeling run down and I was sent back to the doctors after about a fortnight without a voice and given tablets for acid reflux, as this can actually damage your voice box. They did nothing and I couldn't get in the doctors for another month. I was then put on more penicillin and given instruction to go on voice rest. I actually became very sick and I was coughing to the point of almost throwing up, I couldn't breathe properly I had to have numbing throat lozenges or I couldn't breathe. Once that didn't work my mum took me back. I got a throat swab and it came back with a rare infection called anerobies and about two weeks ago I was given more antibiotics to fix it. I then went on holiday last week as you may know. On Sunday last week my ear started hurting. I thought I may just have sea water in it because all that day we were on inflatables in the sea. The next day I was half deaf and I couldn't eat, I felt sick and I just felt so so ill. The day after was my last day of my holiday and I spent it indoors crying from the pain. I seriously wanted to write but I couldn't concentrate. That night I was dry heaving in the restaurant so I went back to the apartment and a couple of hours later threw up. I just felt so ill. I had two hours sleep and went to the airport. I had immense pains in my ears but my sickness had gone and I felt okay but nervous about flying because of my ears. My mum gave me a sweet to suck so my ears didn't pop during take off. I planned to write during the flight as it was a 4 hour flight and it was like 6am and there's no better time to write. 30 minutes into the flight I threw up and I didn't stop until we landed. I couldn't take my head out of the sickness bag unless I was swapping them over. I actually fell asleep in one of the empty ones at one point. I was so weak and sick and I just couldn't do anything. I hadn't even eaten so I was throwing up bile and water and it was disgusting. That night in bed I just went to sleep. I lasted 2 hours before I woke up crying in immense pain. I honestly thought it'd hurt less to get shot than to go through the pain I did. I couldn't lay down, if I did I'd shoot up in pain. I had to go downstairs and be propped up on the sofa. I couldn't look at my phone but I couldn't sleep and it was hell. I went to an emergency doctors appointment on Thursday and they told me my ear canal was almost swollen shut and my ear drum was bulging. She said it didn't look good at all. It hurt all down my face, I couldn't eat or sleep or yawn and it was hell. I got put on antibiotics again and I was given another throat swab. I've just been in so much pain that I couldn't concentrate on writing anything half decent.

Mentally I've been spiralling downhill. I suffer from anxiety and social anxiety and depression. I suffer from addiction to self harm and suicidal thoughts and the temptations to starve myself. Usually I keep it under wraps and apart from the occasional panic attack I've been doing good this year. I'm 136 days clean which is the best I've ever been.

Unfortunately I suffer from periods of depression where I get to the point where I want to be alone and isolate myself from the world. I feel so suicidal and down and if anyone tries to talk to me I cry and scream. I lock myself in a bathroom and just cry for hours. I carry my blanket and teddy everywhere with me and I just can't do anything. Before I went on holiday I experienced the beginning of one and last night I was particularly depressed. I shut myself off from the world and when I am in that state my usual scapegoat which is writing doesn't help me and I just can't do it.

Apart from that it was my brothers birthday yesterday and we celebrated with my dad today because my parents are divorced. I also saw my childhood friends and I actually opened up to them about my past and it felt good. Tomorrow I'm busy again getting completely shit faced so unless you want drunk prompts I can't update until Tuesday. I do have homework to do, which I'm planning for Wednesday and Thursday and I go on holiday again on Saturday but it's not abroad so I should be able to find time to write.

I'm sorry it's been so long but you guys don't deserve half assed prompts, and I don't want to give you them. I aim to make my prompts the best I can with what I'm given and I don't want to give you shitty prompts for faster updates because I've read a few that are just rushed and they're just not enjoyable.

Whilst this is an apology, I do want to say that I'm always here. As a friend, or someone to open up to or just someone to rant to. I have one friend on wattpad who I sadly barely talk to so if you want to be my friend hit me up, if you want to talk about issues around the world I happily will. If you need some advice or just need someone to listen I'm here for you.

I love you guys and I hope you know you're never alone.

Also a quick note, the first episode of I Am Cait aired in the UK today and it was so beautiful and so emotional and it made me cry. How her mum felt about her transition and didn't really understand kinda made me feel upset for her because she didn't want to upset Caitlyn but didn't understand how to address it and I feel like support should be given to all families who go through transitions and things like that so people can understand it.

Anyway I'm sorry and thank you for being so patient with me.

I love you guys,

H xx

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