Redemption

DEAR CARTER

"Dear Carter,

This isn't goodbye forever. This is goodbye for right now. If, for whatever reason, our paths don't cross again, I want to remind you how loved you are. Not only by me, but by everyone else. I want the man who spent his whole life wondering why the world doesn't love him to know it does. Your thoughts are wrong. You've convinced yourself you're undeserving of the things you love. In this scenario, it was me.

I'm not sure if I wrote this to convince you of love or because I'm too much of a coward to tell you goodbye in person. It's probably the second. Not because I'm afraid of leaving you. I'm just afraid of never seeing you again. I think that's something that we've both feared. We spent so long falling in love with each other that we forgot to fall in love with ourselves. We spent so long convincing ourselves we deserved less. That we didn't deserve each other. None of that was true, and I realize that now, but there are things I need to experience on my own.

I think we both have growing up to do. We have healing to do. We have journeys we need to embark on and paths yet to be discovered. I'm not sure how to love myself if I don't know who I am when I'm alone. After escaping my dad, I'm not sure what to expect. I wanted things to feel different. I thought I'd be a different person and everything I endured would disappear. That wasn't the case.

Every day after escaping, I still hated myself. I hated myself for being alive. I hated myself for surviving. Falling in love with you made me think differently. It gave me hope. It helped me realize the world isn't all that bad. Not everybody is out to hurt me. Things can be good. Real good. You were one of those things, Carter. I love you with every piece of my broken heart.

Healing is a full-time job. It's realizing you're not always happy, but trying to figure out why, and hoping to rewire your brain differently. It's okay for things not to be sunshine and rainbows. The world has rainy days. Sometimes it's cloudy. Sometimes it's too cold. But the seasons change to remind us that change is inevitable. It's something we're meant to do. What kind of life would we be living if we didn't allow ourselves to grow? Is it scary? Yeah. Of course it is. It's new. We're comfortable with the known. That's why we don't break cycles. It's easier to stay where you're at instead of breaking habits and family curses. It's easier because it's what we're used to.

I'm not willing to die one day and say I settled. I'm not happy with the life I'm living. What I'm not changing, I'm allowing. I'm done allowing my past to dictate my future. I'm not yielding. I never thought I'd make it this far, so wherever I decide to go, I'm not hitting the brakes. I'm going full throttle.

I want you to do the same.

Your mother made a mistake leaving you, but maybe she didn't. Sometimes things happen for no reason. Sometimes they do. We'll never know. What we do know is that despite it all, you're still Carter James. You're still the man who loves with his whole heart and would give up anything to make the ones he loves happy. His name is on every paper, across every sports network, and the most talked-about football player in the country, but instead of bragging about himself, he says he's only as good as his teammates.

You are the kind of man people write books about. The ones where people highlight their favorite passages, hoping to manifest someone as perfect as you. You're the night and shining armor everyone hopes to come take them away. You're the love everyone hopes they find. It's unconditional and it's real.

You are the closest thing to heaven I'll ever experience. Not that I believe in it, but I believe in you, and I'll spend the rest of my life praying to be put on your path again. You're not someone I'm willing to let go, but if that's what happens, then that's what happens.

All I want is what you want for me – happiness. We don't have to wait for it. We don't have to succeed and get everything we dream of to be happy. Happiness is what we make of our current situation. I want that for you. I don't want you thinking happiness is being chosen by the people around you, but by choosing yourself.

I got your voicemail. I listened to it while writing this. I know we haven't known each other for long,g but loving you has been the highlight of my life. If we really have 21,000 days left, I hope you spend every single one choosing yourself. I hope you don't spend them wondering why your mom left. I hope you don't spend them wondering why your dad never cared enough. I hope you realize our time is limited, and nothing is worth having a bad day over. Not when you understand 21,000 days doesn't sound like much.

I know you're being drafted soon. I know I'll be watching. I'll be required to cover it, and if my job didn't let me, I'd give them hell. I know whoever chooses you is lucky. They'll never meet somebody more dedicated to uplifting the people around him more than you. I think it's your best trait. The greats don't do it alone. They make the people around them great. Not just their teammates. Their friends. Their lovers. Their fans. Their followers.

I hope you understand this is hard for me, too. Writing you. Wishing I could've had this conversation in person. But if I did, I know I'd stay. I would follow you anywhere, Carter. But I can't be dependent on somebody else. I have to prove to myself that I'm capable. I can give myself the life I deserve.

I've spent my whole life thinking I was weak. I want to prove to myself that I'm strong. Life has tested me so much, but this is the real test. It's giving me an opportunity to go after everything I want, and I won't let myself down. I've done it too much to do it again.

I love you, Carter James.

I hope you get everything you want out of life.

Thank you for being the light that sparked my match.

Yours only, Sawyer."