Redemption

I TAKE IT ALL BACK

I tossed the glass bottle in a nearby trash can. No relief. There's none at the bottom of a shot glass, and I never found it at the bottom of any beer bottle. Whiskey didn't taste the same. It's not like how I remembered. There's no familiar feeling when it burns my throat. There's no promise I'll forget. I can hear the torment whispering how this is a night I'll spend the rest of my life regretting, but I made my choice, and I stand by it. I want Sawyer to find the life she's been searching for, so I let her go.

The wind whipped around my body, bringing me to the shitty realization that I hurt her more than I ever wanted to. I made a promise not so many months ago that I wouldn't be that kind of person. I wanted to love Sawyer and prove to her how wrong life was for treating her the way it did. She healed a part of me, and I wanted to do the same for her. Now I'm sitting on some broken-down bench, watching the city come to life while she's at home doing whatever she wants.

It didn't matter how many people smacked me on the shoulder on their way inside the bar. It didn't matter how many times they congratulated me. It felt like I lost tonight. After years of watching people walk away, I pushed away the one I love.

And the curly-haired girl was right. I did it for her, and I did it because I couldn't comprehend love. I'm not sure why she felt it for me, and I wasn't sure when she'd leave, so I pushed her away. I did it, so I never had to watch her go willingly.

I dug in my pocket and tugged out my phone. There's a missed call from Sawyer. I didn't hesitate to call her. As the dial tone carried on, the more unsettled I felt. What if she made the decision to leave tonight? What if I get home and she's already gone?

I'd deserve that.

But she tried calling me. So, it gave me hope that she realized how big of a fuck up I was, and she was choosing to pursue her dreams instead of our relationship.

Guilt seeped through my veins, plaguing me with an uncomfortable feeling, settling in my chest. Just as my third call went to voicemail, I looked at the red-headed girl heading to her car.

"Are you leaving?"

Joey turned to me with her eyebrows furrowed. "Yeah. Why?"

"I need a ride back home."

Emotions flashed through her eyes. "I think you two need separation."

"I don't care," I pressed Sawyer's number again. "She isn't answering any of my phone calls and I'm starting to freak out, Joey."

"I'm sure everything's okay, but you just got into a big fight, and I'm pretty sure you're the one who encouraged her to go away."

"Are you gonna take me home or not? I'm not doing this lecture shit right now. I know I fucked up – "

"Why did you start drinking again?"

I looked into the eyes of a woman I've hurt too many times. "My dad called. He said my mom was in town. She didn't even try to reach out."

"Did you want her to?"

"I don't know, Joey."

"When are you going to stop wanting the people who don't want you back? You're pushing away the people who love you because of it."

"I know and I'll do anything to get Sawyer back."

Something clicked for her. There's still caution in her features, but there's an understanding, like she's willing to give me a chance. I know not to fuck over her best friend. Not just because she's Fletcher's sister, but because she's Joey's best friend, and I know better than to fuck with her. She's pulled me out of too many situations. She's saved me on too many occasions.

As she pulled onto the main road, she looked at me. "Do you love her?"

"With everything I have."

"I know things are crazy right now. You've got the draft, and she's got New York, but why should that be any reason to give up on each other?"

"It's not," I rubbed my face. "It was stupid, but I didn't want her following me. I didn't want her giving up on her dream."

"She never thought she'd make it this far, Carter. Be slow with her."

"I know – "

"Oh my god," she gasped.

My head flickered to look at her. There's terror sketched on her face, and as I follow her line of direction toward the house, I find our back door shattered.

Without second-guessing, I shoved the passenger door open. My feet skidded across the ground, and as Joey slammed on her brakes, my fingertips pushed off the cement to give me leverage.

I felt the grass shifting beneath my feet as I hurried toward the door. The glass cracking underneath my shoes made my heart race. I looked into the kitchen, finding a mess, broken flower vases, and blood. Beyond wanting to get inside to find Sawyer, I heard Joey's boots on the stairs beside me.

"Don't," I gripped her shoulders, stopping her from going inside. "Go back to your car, lock the doors, and call the police."

I looked down at the woman with wide, glossy eyes. "Where is she, Carter?"

"Just listen to me," I pleaded. "Go back to your car, lock the doors, and call the police."

A whimper fell from her lips as she turned away from me. I watched her make it back inside her car before turning toward the house. I wasn't waiting for the police.

"Sawyer!"

I noticed the blood trailing up the stairs, so as my feet collided with every step, I continued yelling her name. The light at the end of the hall stopped me in my tracks. Her door is in pieces. There are shards of wood everywhere.

Every step toward her room, my heart raced faster. Not because I feared who waited for me, but because I feared what happened to my curly-haired girl.

I reached her doorway, finding her dresser tipped over. There are boxes tipped over, spilling their contents. And there's blood splattered over it all. Small drops here and there, but enough for me to notice her footprints on the hardwood floors.

A creak down the hall stopped me from continuing my search. I found my bedroom door cracked open. I shoved it open, finding the space empty, but the sight of curly hair sticking out of my closet caught me by surprise.

"Sawyer?"

The air left my lungs as my knees collided with the ground. My beautifully broken girl. I gathered her into my arms, feeling the tears fall from my face.

I pressed my fingers against her neck, hoping to feel a small thump of reassurance.

"Baby," I pushed away the curls stuck to her face. "Wake up, please."

"Chicago P.D," a voice echoed through the house. "If there's anybody inside, make yourself known!"

"Help!" A scream tore through my throat. "Please! I need help!"

I pulled Sawyer tighter against my chest as police entered the room. "Sir – "

"Help her," I begged. "She's barely breathing – "

"We're going to do what we can."

"Please," I tightened my grip on her body. "Wake up, please. I can't lose you, Sawyer. I'm so sorry. I know I asked you to leave, but please, don't leave me. I take it back. I take it all back. Just please, don't go."