Redemption

NONE OF THIS IS WORTH WHAT I'VE SACRIFICED

Somewhere, in the house, there's a curly-haired girl bragging about my performance. I played the last home game of my college career. She's sitting in the living room, telling everyone I'll win a national championship. There's a part of me that doesn't want to disappoint her, but if my team is a contender, she'll have made her decision by then.

I remember the look on Sawyer's face when she told Joey about the opportunity to work with ESPN. There was a hint of regret. Not because she didn't want to take the position, but because she did and she didn't want to hurt my feelings when she made the decision to leave. It's inevitable, though.

The more coach brought up my future, the more she detached from the conversation. He talked about the draft, and I listened to the possibilities of where I'd land. Sawyer tried to be happy. I knew she was proud. But there's a realization in her eyes that even if she chooses to stay, I'm still leaving.

I want her to follow me. There's nowhere I want to go on earth if she isn't there. I know she'd say yes if I'd ask her, but who would I be if I held her back from chasing her dreams?

She deserves more.

I knew that when I broke the seal of my whiskey bottle. I knew it before I tipped my head back and let the liquid burn every inch of skin on its way to my stomach. I knew when I met her. Still, I fell in love with her, and I let her fall in love with me.

While she's downstairs, reminiscing about tonight's game, I'm tormenting myself. I've slipped back into the liquid that'd drowned me. There's no intention to keep afloat. Sawyer was my raft. The air I breathe. The reason I try to stay above the surface. And now I'm here, trying to deny the inevitable.

I didn't think I'd touch another drink after the night I grabbed Sawyer's arm, and she looked at me like I'd hurt her. Then again, I never thought life would get in the way. How naïve of me.

I decided I wouldn't give her a choice. I wouldn't let her stay. I'd pack her bags for her. She doesn't want to stay here. So, I'll beg her until she leaves. I'm not selfish. So, I'll convince her that our paths will cross again in the future, even if I'm not sure they will. She deserves more. I just hope she finds it.

I didn't expect the curly-haired girl to step into the room as I tossed my bottle onto the mattress, but she did. Then something flashed across her face. It didn't matter how far away I was. She could smell the alcohol in the air.

There's hesitation on her face, still, she asks if I'm okay. I couldn't hear her voice through the ringing in my ears, but I saw her lips moving, and I felt her disappointment.

I have to let her go.

"I'm glad you liked your gift," I pointed at the hoodie that matched mine.

Her fingers brushed over my jersey number. "You must've been sick of me stealing yours."

"Never," I dropped my head. "I just wanted to give you something you'd remember me by."

"What?"

"This is it, Sawyer," I held my head. "Do you not get that? You're going to New York, and I'm entering the draft."

"I haven't made my decision – "

My nails scraped my scalp. "Why?"

"Because I don't want everything to come crashing down on me," she let out a shaky breath. "I don't want to be in New York. I don't know anybody out there. I'll be alone. And what do I do if I'm not good enough? I'll lose everything."

"Then what's your plan?" I felt the alcohol lighting up my bloodstream. "You're gonna stay here? Wait for me to come back?"

"Stop," she said, looking at me with disbelief. It is almost as if she understood what I was doing. "Don't do this."

"It's over, Sawyer."

"Don't force me into choosing New York so you can get satisfaction out of believing you're impossible to love."

My eyes snapped up to look at her face. "Do you think I give a fuck about being loved?"

"Yes! I do! If you didn't, you wouldn't be here pushing me away!"

"I'm not pushing you away."

"Do you expect me to believe that?"

"I've killed myself to make it to where I'm at in my career!" My voice echoed off the walls. "I'm not just gonna give it up for nothing! None of this is worth what I've sacrificed!"

I regret the words as they come out of my mouth. Every emotion fell from her face. There's just a void of emotions. Now I'm hoping to catch onto familiarity, hoping to understand what she's thinking, but I can't read her.

The door opened before I could say a word. Cade's eyes shifted between me and Sawyer before he looked back at me.

"We're headed out," he pointed behind him. "You're still coming, right?"

My eyes remained on Sawyer. "Yeah. I'll meet you downstairs."

"We'll be in the car."

As Cade shut the door, Sawyer slipped out of her hoodie. I stood from the mattress, but before I could make it close, she shoved the material toward my chest.

"I hope drinking is worth it," she blinked away tears. "Have fun tonight, Carter."