Redemption

BEFORE SHE PACKS HER BAGS

The woman I love is below me. She is naked in my bed. The curly-haired girl's back is flat against my mattress, and while her eyes are closed, I'm memorizing every inch of her face, hoping I won't forget it when she chooses New York. 

I wanted to be selfish. I wanted to stop drawing pleasure from her body until she agreed to stay, but I can't bring myself to do it. The girl who's spent her childhood wondering if she'd make it to adulthood finally gets the opportunity to make something of herself. I wanted it for her. I needed her to be happy as much as I needed to breathe.

For once, she can promise herself a life of safety and security, but not at the hands of someone else, and I can't step in the way of that. Even if I knew I could give her everything. She'd never have to work a day in her life. I'd make sure she'd have everything she wanted and more.

She promised never to leave, and now I'll have to encourage her to go. Somehow, I'll convince her I'll be fine. Make her believe that life isn't separating me from everyone I love because I don't deserve it. Whatever I need to say, I'll reassure her before she packs her bags.

Whenever it's time for her to go, my heart will jump into her suitcase, follow her wherever she goes, and I'll be wherever life takes me, hoping she returns. I hope that she remembers me.

As the tears filled my eyes, I dropped my face to her neck. "I love you."

I'm not sure she heard my whisper over the moans leaving her mouth. With every kiss I pressed to her neck, I felt the trail of emotions creating pathways down my cheeks.

"Carter," my name tumbled from her mouth.

My fingers brushed over her swollen clit, hoping it'd keep her distracted until I could handle my emotions. "What, baby?"

Her panting grew louder. I felt her hot breath fanning against my ear. Just as her fingers tugged at my hair, I applied more pressure and rubbed until she begged for more.

"You're so wet," I murmured against her clammy skin.

The sounds she made only grew louder as I dipped a finger inside of her, sliding easily through the moisture pooling between her legs.

Her hips rocked against my hand, drawing out her own pleasure. I wanted to bask in the moment and appreciate how needy she is despite how much she hates touch. I wanted to whisper how proud of her I was, but I couldn't bring myself to say a word.

"Fuck," her legs spread wider. "I can't – I can't – "

My face nuzzled hers. "You can't what?"

She trembled below me, but her hips jolted, and she panted louder.

"Let go," I whispered in her ear. "Come for me, Sawyer."

My thumb continued rubbing circles into her clit as the thrusts of my fingers sped up. Her hands clasped onto my back as she cried out, and when her face screwed up, I swore I never saw something more beautiful.

"Oh my god," she hid her face in my shoulder.

I pressed a kiss to the side of her face. "Are you okay?"

She only hummed in response.

My arm slid beneath her back, drawing her closer to my chest as she caught her breath. I wrapped myself around her, hoping she'd stay, hoping she'd never ask to leave. I wanted to stay here forever and pretend life wasn't happening around us.

How long until she left?

If I started preparing now, would it make things easier? Just as her naked body curled against mine, and she rested her head on my chest, I realized losing her would never be easy. No amount of preparation could save me from losing her.

So, I continued petting her hair and memorizing the pieces of her face that I had never spent enough time looking at. I counted the freckles even if there were few. I traced my fingertips over the edges of her jaw and down the bridge of her nose, hoping I'd never forget it.

The more I stare at her, the more I realize she's the only thing I've ever been afraid of losing. If she walked away, so did my happiness, my sanity, and the only thing that made me choose life.

I wanted to be selfish and wake her up. Convince her to stay, not let her sleep until she told me she would.

But I love her.

And that only means one thing.

I have to let her go.