When It Is Forbidden

chapter 12

I woke up to darkness.  I didn’t know how long I had been sleeping here.  Trying the door I found that it was still locked.  Escape through the window was not an option, it was locked and bolted.  Perhaps my parents had forgotten about me.  I tried not to feel hurt by this display of hatred, but I couldn’t help it.  My only family thought I was a disgrace. 

            But I knew this form of punishment.  My friend Gala had had this happen to her.  She was missing for several days, and then when I finally saw her again, she was different.  Silent and solemn, Gala was broken.  My parents were going to try to break my spirit.  They’d probably keep me here until my marriage, slipping food and water through the door. 

And that’s what they did.  Cut off from civilization I spent most of my long, dreary days either sulking or sinking deeper into depression.  When my parents came into my room, that had now become my own customized jail cell, and they would just hand me the food, scowls on their faces and leave, locking the door behind them.  I was only allowed out of my room twice a day to use the restroom and clean up.  I kept tallies on the wall, counting down the days until my wedding.  Why couldn’t time freeze so that my marriage would never come?  Could I magically transport myself to another place and time?  Lead a better life?  Why did my family have to hate me so?

            I think I was going insane.  And I think this because I did something certifiably insane.  The sun was high above my head.  It seemed to be calling to me.  I could not resist it, I had to go outside.  I had been trapped in this box for days.  My room felt like it was shrinking each day.  I held Mother to her word: I never would go outside again.  That is unless I did something about it.  I knew Mother and Father were upset that I disobeyed them, but I think they were worried more about the Taliban finding me.  They were doing it to protect me.  It hurt that my parents were so upset with me, but there was someone else I could be mad at.  Well, it was something more so than someone.

            So, that was when I decided I’d give the Taliban something to look at, deal with, chase.  I walked over to my wardrobe, my boot heels clicking on the wood floor.  Opening the door the hinges creaked because they hadn’t been oiled in years.  My dress selection consisted mostly of burqas, thanks to the new rules created by you-know-who.  But in the back I still had my dresses from before the Taliban took over.  None of them fit me now, but there was one dress that Mother had given me, but it hadn’t when I received it years ago.  I hoped it fit now.

            I found it after a few minutes of searching and pulled it out of my closet, dust flying around the room in swirls and waves making me cough.  It was a deep royal purple, with petit red flowers printed all over it.  It was the most beautiful thing I had seen in years. 

            Releasing my body from its brown burqa coffin, I slipped on the dress.  I let my hair down loose then changed my mind.  I pulled my red ribbon out of my bureau draw where it had lay for weeks, untouched.  The silk slipped through my hands and landed on the floor.  I bent over to pick it up and spied a crumpled piece of paper lying underneath my bed.  I reached over and unfolded a song sheet: my song sheet.  A smile played on my lips as an elaboration on my previous plan formed in my mind.  The words that Rafi had taught me to read played back in my mind, the tune humming on my lips.  Through times of trouble, hope will be there for you.  Peace will overcome you.  I will be there for you.  Well, I was definitely in a time of trouble, I thought.  And if I wasn’t, I was going to be soon.  The words were comforting, but they brought back painful memories of Rafi.

            The way he laughed, the way the early morning sun glinted off his black hair on our morning walks, his comforting words, his smile, the way he always seemed to know how to let me know how important I was to him even if the rest of the world thought me as insignificant as a fly just when I needed it most.  But Rafi was the past.  He wasn’t here anymore.  I needed to let him go.  But I may never see him again…