Redemption

IF SAVING OURSELVES IS ALL WE DID - IT'S ENOUGH

I felt unworthy of the things that made me happy. I fell out of love with old hobbies, assuming I lost the parts of me that used to make me feel joy because I was being punished. For what? I wasn't sure, but I came to the realization that I gave up too many things that fulfilled me. I started believing everything my father said, and his words became my reality – I'd never amount to anything, and I'd never have anything because I wasn't worthy of it.

I'm staring at this business card, rereading Brian's name, questioning if I'm qualified. I'm not sure if he'd appreciate his time being wasted on a girl who isn't sure she's good enough for the things that make her happy.

I looked forward to the nights I stood beneath stadium lights, surrounded by pulsing crowds, screaming for their favorite teams. I lived for the atmosphere, and how the fireworks shined over the field after every touchdown. There's something beautiful about watching kids fight for their future and leaving everything out on 100 yards of turf.

It's something I don't want to walk away from, but what about the kids who grew up like I did? They need someone. There aren't advocates speaking loud enough, gaining enough attention, enticing real change. I could be that person. There's so many kids suffering, and I'm contemplating about reporting for the largest sports network. How is that fair?

I survived the escape from my father. Even if I nearly died, I made it. What about the kids who won't? There's no one to remember them. No one to mourn their loss. They'll die never knowing love or succumb to their injuries, never knowing what it's like to make it out.

Not everybody will be as lucky as I was. Some of them won't ever get the opportunity to escape. It's something that keeps me up at night. What made me different? I got to live, and my life flipped overnight. Everything changed. I'm attending college. I'm living in a house where I feel safe, and I've made friends. If I wasn't meant to be an advocate for those kids, then why did I make it out?

I can't live with the idea that I could've done more.

"Am I interrupting?"

Fletcher's voice pulled me from a trance I didn't know I'd fallen into. My eyes lifted from the business card to my brother as he entered the bedroom. I felt the weight shift as he found a spot next to me on the mattress.

He pointed at my hand. "Do you want to talk about it?"

I fell back against the pillows. "I can't do it."

"What are you talking about?"

"Coach introduced me to some analyst, and he told me if I called, he'd set me up an opportunity to tour their studio. Said I could have a real shot. That he'd hook me up with a position if I interned."

Fletcher couldn't hide his confusion. "Then what's the problem?"

"I should be doing more, right? I'm letting people down if I'm not out there fighting for the kids that are growing up like we did."

"Hold on – "

"All I wanted was to be saved," the emotions scratched my throat. "I needed someone to tell me it'd be okay. That I wasn't as small as dad made me feel. I needed someone, and the longer I waited, the more I realized that person was gonna have to be me. What about the kids who can't find it in themselves to be strong? What about the ones who'll never make it out?"

"It's not your job to save the world so you can justify everything that happened to you," the wrinkles between his eyebrows deepened. "Do you know how often I thought about shit like this? At the end of the day, if saving ourselves is all we did, it's enough, Sully."

"Not to me," I snapped. "It's not enough for me. Why did I get to live and there's kid out there who won't get that same privilege? It's not fair, Fletcher. Those kids will die never knowing what love felt like or what it meant to be safe. They won't ever know how possible it is to create a life outside of abuse."

"Sawyer – "

"No, Fletcher. You have no idea how many nights I lay here wondering why. I question everything. Aren't I supposed to do something extravagant because I got to live? I'm sitting here, living normally, and that's not right, right? I should be doing more. I should be out in the world, but I'm in my bedroom, wondering if I'm worthy enough for the things I love!"

"I understand more than you'll ever know, but if you think life happened to you and not for you, you'll never get it."

I tugged at the base of my scalp. "That's it? Life happened for me and not to me. That's all you've got to say?"

"It's not my job to make decisions for you, Sawyer. If you want to be an advocate for kids, do it. If you want to be a reporter, do it," he paused before sighing. "Do you know what it was like watching basketball, and seeing my favorite player who overcame childhood abuse live out his dream? It made me think I could do the same. So, I got up one day, and I stopped feeling sorry for myself because life didn't happen to me. It happened for me. That man saved my life, and he doesn't even know it. He didn't even try to. He just did. Because sometimes doing what you love is enough to save somebodies life. So, stop pretending that your story couldn't inspire others just the same."

I felt the tears trailing down my face. "How do I stop the guilt?"

"The guilt was never yours, to begin with," he rested his hand over mine. "Pursue what makes you happy, Sawyer. Change the narrative. Be a voice, and a beacon of hope, but do it in your way."

"Does it ever go away?" I cried out. "The survivor's guilt."

"You have a big heart, Sawyer. Bigger than most," he let out a heavy breath. "Once you can understand why you feel the way you do and why you never deserve to feel that way again, you'll feel less weight resting on your shoulders. I know you've gotta a little bit of 'I want to save the world' in you, but you're here, and that's enough, Sawyer."

I rested my head on his shoulder, letting the tears fall freely. "Thank you."

"Don't ever stop chasing the things that make you happy," his pleas came out like a whisper. "I almost lost you in silence. So, stop being silent. Get loud. About life. About your career. About your future. Scream it from the top of your lungs, but never stop, and remember you're the only person who is capable of getting you everything you desire."