Redemption

DON'T BE SCARED OF ME

I made a promise. I told her I'd stop drinking. I saw the look in her eyes when I said it. She's heard those words before, but she trusts me, and I don't know why. A part of me wanted to be that man for her – the one she can trust, but I'm drowning, and I need an escape as badly as I need to breathe.

I toss another shooter in the trash can before pulling on my football helmet, hoping she won't be able to smell the alcohol on my breath. As she's meeting reporters from ESPN, I'm avoiding any chance of ruining her dreams. So, when I catch a glimpse of her talking to a sports analyst, I quickly weave myself through my teammates, hoping she doesn't see me.

I never planned on avoiding Sawyer, but the regret stirring in my stomach isn't enough to make me feel guilty for breaking my promise. She told me everything would be okay one day, but I made it twenty-four hours, and I fell back to the depths of hell. I tormented myself with childhood pictures of me with my mom, and questions started to arise. What will it be like when Sawyer leaves? She'll spend her life telling me how much she loves me, just to never come back home. And I'll end up alone like I always am.

It's a cycle I'll never escape, so I'm preparing myself for reality. Just as my cleats sink into the turf, I become aware of the buzz pumping through my veins. I look to my right, finding the curly-haired girl with a smile on her face as she shakes the hand of a man who can give her the life she wants, and just as the whistle blows, I'm running.

Just as I turn around, I find the football soaring towards me. Just as it hit my chest, I turned for the end zone. With it tucked between my arm, I expected to feel something. The defense is too far away, and it's an easy touchdown, but as the crowds scream, I feel nothing.

I watched the fireworks illuminate the field. As my teammates ran toward me, I realized I was the problem. My mom left because of me. She knew I'd turn out like my father – a man with ambitions who drank too much. He had dreams but never chased after them.

As people smacked my helmet and shoved at my shoulder pads, I tried convincing myself I was different. I'm pursuing football. It's the only thing that makes me feel like I'm worth something, but I'm still getting drunk to feel something when I step on the field, and I question how long until I'm ruining this, too.

"That was a perfect fucking catch man! I thought I overthrew it," Cade squeezed my shoulder pads. "You caught it one handed! That video is gonna be all over ESPN!"

Just as I fell back onto the metal bench, a curly-haired girl pushed her way through my quarterback. There's a smile on her face that makes me feel something other than agony, and as her arms wrap around me, I try believing everything will be fine, but there's no guarantee it will be. Not when she's pulling away from me with a look of disbelief on her face.

I know she can smell it. I see the betrayal. I'm so used to it that I can detect it without failure.

"Good catch," her eyes dropped to my lap. "I'm gonna meet up with Joey – "

"Wait," I pleaded. "Don't – "

"This isn't the time or place," she patted my chest. "Be safe out there, okay?"

I didn't know what to say or what I planned on saying when I stopped her. I'd probably make up some shitty excuse, so she didn't have to hear the thoughts racing through my head. I never let someone in, so I buried my emotions, hoping they'd never hurt the people around me. I just let it kill me instead.

As she rounded the corner and entered the tunnel, I chased after her. I didn't care who was watching. I didn't want to let her go. Not when she's the only thing that's made me feel worthy of living.

"Sawyer!"

I watched her head shake back and forth. "This isn't the time, Carter."

Just as she turned toward the stairs, I gripped her upper arm. She spun around at the force. Her eyes looked up from my hand, there's shock that looked more like fear. The tears couldn't drown out the terror. I saw it before the disbelief.

"Sawyer," I let out a heavy breath. "Please – "

She ripped her arm away from me. "Don't ever grab me like that again."

"Just hear me out," my voice echoed through the space. "Please!"

I watched everything change. The way she looked at me. The way her body went from relaxed to on guard. I watched her trust snap, and as she looked unsure of what to do next, I knew she wanted nothing more than to run away.

"Don't be scared of me," I pleaded. "Don't run. Just stay here with me."

"You're drinking – "

"It's been two weeks! I can't just stop, Sawyer."

Every time my voice rose, I proved her wrong. She was terrified, and I didn't know how to control myself. Everything I've bottled up is bursting, and I'm panicking.

"Just talk to me," her voice cracked. "Tell me what's going on! Tell me what you need. Let me help you."

"I can't!" I gasped at the feeling erupting through my chest. "I can't breathe. I can't – "

I ripped the jersey from my chest, hoping to find relief, but the more air I sucked down, the dizzier I felt.

Just as my gloved hands scraped at my shoulder pads, arms wrapped around my waist.

"Shh," Sawyer's soothing voice filled my ears. "You're okay, Carter. You're right here with me, and I'm not gonna let anything happen to you."

My face fell to the curve of her neck, and as her smell filled my senses, I felt my tears soaking her skin.

"Don't leave me," I tightened my grip on her hoodie. "Don't go. Don't be scared of me."

Her fingers threaded through my hair. "Just breathe, Carter. I'm right here."

"I'm sorry," I choked. "I'm so fucking sorry, Sawyer."

I held onto her so firmly, I hoped she'd never slip away. I needed something to change. I needed her to tell me she wasn't leaving. That I haven't fucked this up.

"I'm right here," Sawyer pulled away to hold my face. "I've always been right beside you, Carter."

"I love you," I rested my hands over hers. "I love you so much it hurts."

The tears creating trails down her cheeks told me it wasn't easy for her to say it back, so when her forehead rested against mine, I understood she wouldn't repeat my words.

She breathed out. "I love you."

I couldn't stop myself from connecting our lips. I hated that she'd taste the alcohol on my breath, but I hoped she'd ignore it.

"Don't leave me," I pleaded against her mouth.

She pulled back, her finger caressing my cheek. "Don't give me a reason to."