Redemption

I FINALLY FELT PEACE

I stared at the light fixture hanging from my ceiling, trying to make sense of everything that happened today. My mind reverted back to the curly-haired girl who won her first volleyball game. I watched the excitement fill her face. I watched the disappointment from my attitude erase it. I watched her smile, and I watched her cry. Then the one thing I didn't want to happen happened – she disappeared into her bedroom, and I wouldn't be able to see her until the next time she came out.

I listened to the thunder outside. It's louder with my windows open. I thought the rain would drown out my thoughts. I keep throwing my football into the air. Pass. Catch. Pass. Catch. Pass. Catch. Over and over. Until it doesn't distract me from feeling like a piece of shit. Until it isn't keeping me confined to my bed, and I'm racing toward Sawyer.

I pulled open my door to find Sawyer standing at my door. Her eyes are glossy, and there's a dash of redness on her nose. I found fear etched in her features. Her chest is rising too quickly. She can barely catch her breath, and I'm pulling her into my room before she can pass out in the hallway.

"Sawyer – "

"Hold me," she choked, her hands shaking as she sobbed. "Please. Hold me. Please. Tell me it wasn't real. Tell me none of it was real."

I tugged her against my chest, my fingers threading through her hair to hold her close. Everything I wanted to say rolled off my tongue as she shook against my body. My hoodie muffled the sounds she was making, but I could hear it, and it sounded like falling apart.

"Talk to me," I mumbled into her curls. "What happened?"

It only made her cry harder. So, I didn't push any further. I stayed in the same spot with my arms around her body, shielding her from whatever monsters were creeping out of her bedroom. But I feared the scariest ones were living in her head. They came to visit when the lights went out and didn't allow her an ounce of rest.

"Sawyer, I need you to calm down, baby," I pleaded. "You're breathing too fast."

I cupped her face causing her to shake her head. "I can't – I can't – "

She wouldn't listen to me, so I did the only thing I could do. I tried distracting her from the thoughts in her head by speaking about my own.

"My mom left. She dropped me off at school and never came back," I swallowed harshly. "And I told everybody how great my mom was, and how much I loved her, and that nobody's mom loved them more than my mom loved me. I said it because I believed it and because I was a child. My world revolved around my mom, and I still remember sitting outside with my teacher waiting for her silver car to pull up."

Sawyer blinked away the tears as they fell but her eyes were on me. She was still struggling to breathe, but her focus had shifted, and all I needed was to continue taking her mind off everything until she caught her breath.

"I found out she left us for another family. Her husband has two sons. They're aspiring lawyers and gods does she fucking love them. Every post on Facebook is about how proud she is to be their mom," I continued on. "I reached out to her. She claimed to love me. Said she supported me. But how do you love someone and walk out on them? How do you claim to love your son and drop him off at school without the intention of picking him back up?"

I told the woman I loved most in this world about the one I used to call mom. I told her how much it made me question my worth. How I second-guess everything, and that I don't know the man in the mirror.

I've spent my whole life realizing I'd never be enough for anyone. I went from people-pleasing to not giving a fuck. Everyone planned on leaving anyway. Why would I try to make them stay? I was a throwaway.