a reason to smile // seo changbin ✔️

chapter thirty

full circle

moon jieun - tuesday

"jieun! come in, have a seat." mrs. cho smiles at me, waving me into her office. i had a bit of a somber expression across my face as i enter, sliding my bad off my shoulder and plopping into the seat across from her.

"hey..." i mumble. i felt like a mess of emotions today, but it was still a step up from the utter numbness i used to feel.

"are you doing all right?" she asks, clasping her hands atop her desk.

"define 'all right'." i chuckle slightly and she smiles.

"fine enough to make jokes. but something's bothering you." she states, and i could only nod. "is it your parents?"

"no— my dad's been... great honestly. he's really trying to make up for his mistakes." i tell her, a hint of a smile across my face.

"your mom?"

"haven't heard from her." i shrug.

"but that's not what's bothering you." she concludes, leaning in slightly. "is it changbin?"

"no, he's great too. i was just with him before i came in here."

"jisung, then?" she pries, and i had half a mind to ask her how she knew about jisung until i remember that changbin told me him and jisung made the deal to both see mrs. cho after changbin's attempt.

"also no, he's very supportive." i shake my head and she grins.

"he's made lots of progress, that one." she muses, mostly to herself. "but what's got you feeling down today?" she asks calmly. it was that calmness of her voice that i would miss. the way no situation ever seemed too crazy for her. the way she always knew exactly what to say. and the way she made your healing process feel like your own. she guides you in the right direction, but ultimately, it's your choice if you follow. and that was my favorite thing about her. she would never take credit for anyone's progress, even though i know it was her who got me where i am today.

in a place where now, it's the little things that get to me. like the fact that this will be my last time sitting in this office with her. i know i'm better. i know how to handle the world and my emotions now. she's taught me how to navigate myself, and i know i'm more than capable of doing it. but seeing her has brought a sense of comfort that i wasn't ready to let go of yet.

"this is our last session." i finally blurt out the reasoning for my somberness. she gives me a sad smile, nodding her head.

"it is. the five agreed upon sessions end today."

"i just... it's going to sound stupid, but i've really grown to like coming to you each week. sorting out everything that's happened, just... having someone to listen to me." i ramble.

"your friends, they listen to you, right?" she presses.

"yes, but... it's not the same. they're my friends now, and they're always going to be good to me. with you... it's more real, and different. and you've helped me in more ways than i can count at this point." i lean back in the chair, picking at my cuticles absently.

"do you have the book?" she asks suddenly. my brows furrow for just a moment before i nod, leaning over to grab the book from my bag. i hold it up to her. "do you know why i had you read this?"

"because it's a story about someone who overcomes their darkness and finds their light?" i offer. she chuckles and shakes her head.

"well... partially, but that's not really why. i have everyone who comes to me read this book. and you know what's funny about it?" she prompts. i shake my head. "everyone has different reactions. forty years of experience in this field, and not once has anyone ever viewed that book the same way." she explains.

"okay..?" my word comes out like a question as i fail to see her point.

"people come to me because they're lost. they've lost sense of direction, and they're looking for something to steer them back. everyone finds their direction after reading this book, even if they don't notice it." she adds, the gears in my head finally start turning as i slowly pick up on what she's saying. "you for example, you hated the book right?" she asks and i nod. "why was that?"

"because it was ridiculous that she acted like her life got better just because she had a boyfriend." i roll my eyes at the memory.

"if you read it again, would you have the same thoughts?" she asks, and i fall silent. genuinely, truly thinking on her words.

i reach back into my memory, recalling how lost she was at the beginning of the book. she reminded me of myself, and i think i hated that part the most. and then she met the man. i remember rolling my eyes everytime she gave him credit for her happier mood. but honestly? maybe i was judging a bit too harsh.

it wasn't the man. it never was. it was her all along. like mrs. cho once said, he was her pencil. her outlet for her to begin her own story, to take control. and you cannot give the pencil credit, because a pencil does not write on its own.

even i recall giving changbin some credit for making my days a bit brighter. but my days were only brighter because i was allowing them to be. i always had everything that i needed to be happy right in front of me, i was just never allowing myself to utilize them. never allowing myself to see that happiness, to grasp it. i didn't deem myself worthy of things like changbin, or felix and his flowers, or jisung and his snide remarks. but once i pushed past my own mental barriers, everything that i already had began to flourish.

my friendship with felix, the flowers he grows— that i now will grow. not only meeting changbin and jisung, but allowing myself to connect with them.

it was all me.

and in the book, it was all her.

"i don't think i would." i finally reply, and she nods. i place the book on her desk, a weight lifting off my shoulders at the same time.

happiness is always there, you just have to allow yourself to feel it.

i used to think it would be selfish of me, to feel those things. but now i know that it's okay to be a little selfish. and sometimes, in order to see the beauty that life has to offer you, you have to be selfish.

you have to push past your own mental blocks and start allowing yourself the things that bring you joy.

otherwise, you'll never experience it.

this is your story, you are the sole writer. you have your tools, now write your story.

"i want you to keep it." mrs. cho states, pushing the book back toward me.

"keep it? but it's yours..." i shake my head.

"consider it a gift." she smiles. i cock my head to the side, but place the book back into my lap.

"why?"

"because," she starts, leaning back in her seat, the look on her face nothing but fond as she looks back at me.

"i want you to read it again."

a.n.: and the rest was history ;)