Redemption

YOU'RE THE FIRST PERSON I WANTED TO TELL

"She benched Amanda to play you!'

Joey's excitement filled the air as she squealed with happiness. I let my laughter follow close behind her as we stepped into the house. After spending a few extra hours in the gym, I felt more confident. I met a few of the girls on the team, and even if they didn't seem excited, I didn't really mind.

I watched the redheaded girl disappear into her room as Fletcher called her phone. After she promised she'd meet me back in the kitchen for snacks, I hurried toward the room upstairs to change out of my new spandex. Before I made it to the door, I almost hit something.

I bounced back in surprise to find the man I'd been waiting to see all week staring back at me.

"I'm sorry."

Maybe he thought I was apologizing for running into him, but it was so much more than that. I should've gave some kind of context, but I couldn't stop staring at him, and wishing I would've fixed things the same night it all went wrong.

"What's this?" He motioned to the practice jersey.

"I made the team."

His fingers fumbled with the material on my body. I watched him rub his thumbs across the surface, allowing the cold air to race up my body, and leave goosebumps in its wake. Just as he dropped it, I watched his teeth scrape over his bottom lip.

"When did this happen?"

"Yesterday," my toes curled at his raspy voice. "I waited all night to tell you, but I didn't know when you were coming home, and I fell asleep."

"You waited all night to tell me?" He leaned against the wall with his arms crossed. "Why?"

"Because you were the first person I wanted to tell."

Amusement sparkled in his brown eyes. "Is that right?"

I hummed. "Something about you makes me want to tell you everything."

His eyebrows furrowed. I'm not sure if that confused him or if he was wondering why. It was true, though. The way his eyes focused on me made me want to tell him everything. I didn't know if it was the comfort of his presence or the way he carried himself that made me feel safe, but I found myself wanting to release all my secrets.

"Are you leaving?"

"Not if you want me to stay."

My lips parted with disbelief. I wanted to tell him to stay, but Joey called from downstairs, saying someone was waiting outside for Carter. The disappointment filled my chest as his eyes tore away from my face. He left without saying another word, and I knew at that moment, I hurt him. Not by missing the chance to ask him to stay, but by letting him believe he did something wrong after I high-fived him.

And if it hurt him that I didn't ask him to stay, I never wanted to take him away from his plans. It would be inconsiderate, especially when I had nothing to offer him.

Even if my chest flared with disappointment in myself, I ignored the strumming of my heartstrings. I listened to him disappear down the stairs as I stepped into my room. There wasn't an explanation for the emotions rushing through me. All I knew was when he was around, I never wanted him to leave.

I collapsed on the mattress below me. Deep breaths exited my mouth. Did I need to ruin everything? Because at some point, I can't blame my past. I needed to take accountability for my own suffering. Even if I didn't realize I was sabotaging great things, I did it because I feared they'd sabotage me first.

"Are you okay?"

My head snapped up to find Carter leaning against the doorway. "What are you doing? I thought you were going out."

"I started feeling sick, I guess."

A smile cracked at my lips. "You guess?"

He faked a couch, bringing his closed fist to his lips. "Super sick."

"Well, then why are you here?"

"To find my remedy."

"I don't have any medicine."

"You," he approached me. "I'm talking about you, Sawyer. You're my remedy."

"Are you sure? You seemed fine when you left."

"I don't know," he teased. "Every step I get closer to you, the better I feel."

Laughter sputtered from my lips as his fake cough started clearing up the closer her got to me. Suddenly, the couch he spewed out didn't exist. It stopped the second he fell back on the bed beside me.

My head turned to the side, watching him scan my face as we stared at one another in silence. My heart forgot it wasn't whole when I was around him. Almost as if he filled all the spaces where there were cracks.

"What are you staring at, pretty girl?"

My heart flipped. "You. Of course."

"I knew that," he chuckled. "But do I have something on my face or – "

"You do have sugar on your chin."

He started rubbing his face. "Is it gone?"

I watched him swipe at his skin, trying to get rid of the specs of sugar. When I realized he hadn't got it, I leaned over him. The warmth of his body pressed against my side made my heart race. I brought my thumb to the stubble on his jaw, letting the pad of skin brush away the white specks on his face.

I found him staring at me with wide eyes. I apologized before he said anything.

"I shouldn't have done that."

He sat up, positioning himself beside me. "Don't be sorry, please."

"I can't believe I did that," I hid my face. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay just don't make me leave."

"Why would I make you go?"

"Because you ran away the last time we touched."

I felt the tears suffocating me. "I got scared, and you gave me a choice. I didn't ask if it was okay – "

"Stop. You can do whatever you want with me, Sawyer," he said breathlessly. "Nothing about me is off limits to you."

"I'm scared."

There's something dangerous about the emotions swirling in his eyes. "Why?"

I couldn't stop the words rolling off my tongue. "Because every touch I experienced wasn't so kind."

"I would never hurt you, Sawyer," he clenched his jaw. "I would never allow anyone to either."

"How do I know that?"

"You don't," he said without skipping a beat. "But I will spend every lifetime trying to prove it to you."

"That's a horrible way to live."

"So far, I've found it quite beautiful."

I started shaking my head. "I'm afraid I'll end up hurting you instead."

"Good," he grinned. "I'm gonna love every bit of it."