WORK IN PROGRESS The Parent Contract

What I lost

Drake

All the therapy in the world couldn’t have done the job of making me aware of just how much I’d fucked up in the way that those soft words coming from my ex-wife’s sweet lips had done.  Hate is not the opposite of Love, Apathy is.  Was that how she felt about me? Apathetic?

I had poured myself another glass of whiskey to dull the pain oozing out inside me. I had worked so hard to be a better man,  did she even care? It wasn’t fair,  and yet it was sweet justice. It was everything I deserved,  but so desperately wanted to not get.  I lifted my hand to cover my eyes and bit the inside of my cheeks. 

The lights flickered on and off a few times and I dropped my hand slightly. Steven was leaning in with his hand on the light switch.  I’d learnt his version of a deaf knock involved flickering lights fairly early on.  No one else did it.
“I heard that Toni had come for a tour,” Steve said as he walked through the door. I nodded.  He looked at the glass in my hand. “I guess it didn’t go well.”
I quirked an eyebrow. 
“Actually, it did,” I sighed, then realising I hadn’t signed, I’d just spoken like an uncultured swine, I put down my glass and repeated myself.
“Why are you looking so distraught and forgetting to use your hands?” Steve asked.
“Toni is excited about being involved. I’m sending a contract over to engage her as a consultant.” I signed and spoke.
“So why the long face?”

This time I only signed.
Because I started to thank her for not hating me,  and she told me that the opposite of Love is Apathy, not hate.
Steve took the few steps to the chairs in front of my desk and sat down.
Ouch, he signed. I bounced my eyebrows up in acknowledgement and picked up the glass again.
How many of those have you had? He asked. I waved my head vaguely. 
“Jesus Christ Drake! You can’t get drunk at lunchtime!”
I leaned my head back and laughed.
“I haven’t had that many. " I assured him. He glared at me. I looked into the distance.
“I just need a moment, Steve.” I took a deep breath. “Then I’ll call Gerard and get this contract organised.”

“She didn’t look apathetic last night,” Steve spoke without signing.  I gave him a side-eye.  He sighed.
“She looked hurt,  irritated,  amused at some points. But she didn’t look like she didn’t care.” He explained.  There’s still hope said his fingers. I closed my eyes on the tears that were welling up. He stood up and reached over the desk to clap me on my shoulder, then left.  He flicked the lights off as he went through,  choosing the door behind him. I lifted the glass again to unsuccessfully drown the lump in my throat but only succeeded in releasing the tears. 

“Mr Lonsdale? Steve said that you needed to go home now.”
I raised my head to look at Monty standing awkwardly in the doorway after delivering his little speech. He shifted from foot to foot, alternating his glances between me and anything else in the room.  I sighed and shook my head. Steve was clever.  If anyone else had come and told me to go home I would have lost my temper.  But no one could hurt Monty.  He was too gentle.

I stood slowly,  wavering as I caught my balance.  Maybe I did have a few too many drinks.
“Where’s the car,  Monty?” I grated out the words.
“In the basement still.  I didn’t think you’d like anyone to see you leave early.” He ran and grabbed my coat,  to bring it over to me.
I clapped him on the shoulder.
“You thought right, Monty. Well done. "
I saw him beam in the reflections in the glass as he held out my jacket for me to put on.  I slid my arms in and shrugged it onto my shoulders.

“Was that your wife who came and visited today?” Monty asked.  I felt a twinge in my chest as I replied.
“My ex-wife, yes.”
“She’s pretty.  Do you want her to come back to you?”
I paused and looked at Monty. His almond-shaped eyes were earnest in their sincerity. He didn’t know how painful his simple questions were.  I answered them anyway. 
“I’d love it if she came back.  But I don’t think it will happen.” I stepped into the elevator just before Monty,  and we both turned around.
“Why’s that Mr Lonsdale?”
I admitted the painful fact that ruined my day.
“Because She doesn’t love me anymore. "
Monty hummed.
“I don’t think that’s true,” he said confidently,  “she looks at you like she loves you still.”

I looked at the little man beside me.  A twinge of jealousy hit me.  I wished I could see life as simply as he did.  It wasn’t sunshine and rainbows,  just simple. I sighed and turned back to stare at the crease where the doors met.
“It’s Ok Mr Lonsdale, if it’s meant to be,  she’ll come back.  If it isn’t there’ll be someone else. You’re to good to be alone.”

I gritted my teeth to keep my raw emotions inside at Monty’s words.  His quiet confidence was a mental life raft, something to hold on to through my turmoil.  I drew in a shaky breath.
“Thanks Monty.  You’re a good friend.” I squeezed the words out. My reward was his big grin as the doors opened into the basement.

Toni

I sat in bed reviewing the plans that my advocacy development group had written after a session with Amanda a few weeks ago.  They’d submitted them to me today, and it was lucky that Drake’s contract hadn’t come through, so I had time to review these. The group were planning on using social media platforms to highlight their normal day.   We’d reduced the ideas down to three platforms,  and 12 episode scripts to ensure the right message will be put across.  It was amazing work, but something was missing. It was frustrating. I couldn’t work it out.

I blew out my cheeks with a big sigh and finally let myself think about what was really irritating me.  Drake. I knew I hurt him with my words, the way his face fell into that poker face showed it clearly. But I hurt myself more, he took on a lie from those words.  I didn’t feel Apathy towards him as much as I wanted to.  There was too much history between us for that.  I was just indulging my need to explain nuances. Hate and love are the same thing,  they tap into the same passion. 

I reached over to the beside drawers and pulled out a tattered bit of paper.  It had been pristine six months ago but my constant rereading had made it look like it was centuries old.
I will always love you,  and I’ll cherish the time you gave me… I will always regret letting you down. 
Those two sentences still held me, still rang in my ears.  Then Steve’s words from the event were added. It’s really good to meet the person who inspires Drake to be a better person.

I dropped my head.  Drake was working on himself.  I was just working.  I blinked the tears out of my vision.  Drake was working on my dreams.  He was doing it behind the scenes,  and quietly without the fanfare.  But he was still working with me. I gritted my teeth.  Why did it have to take me to leave for him to become my ally?  Why couldn’t he have been my person all the way through? 

We used to be a team, where I took care of him and he took care of me. I remember there were plenty of times when I’d come home to him poring over board submissions and reports,  because he was waiting up for me during sitting weeks. Food would be heated up,  and we’d talk. He would rub my shoulders,  and we’d relax.  We were perfect.  Then we got married.

I rubbed my head and folded up the letter again.  I could only move forward.  No amount of reminiscing on the past can change it.  We can only control the future. I put away the letter,  moved the advocacy submissions aside,  and then pulled the blankets up.  The lights went off and I closed my eyes.  Ready for however little sleep my body would let me have tonight.