Redemption

THE UNIVERSE'S REASONS FOR SAVING ME

I can't feel my heart beating. Not when the music is blaring, and the fans are screaming so loudly I can barely hear my own thoughts. I like it, though. It's almost as if I don't exist here or that I do but the moment is so euphoric I've forgotten what it's like to exist and feel something besides pain. My ribs ache, but the fear of being noticed in public has disappeared because I'm standing amongst a crowd of strangers, and nobody gives a fuck about who I am.

I watched the ghost I created disappear into the sky. With every breath, I sent a new one into the world, off to discover the possibilities while I stayed here to explore emotions I haven't felt in a long time. Over 48 hours ago, I escaped my father. I arrived at my brother's house, covered in blood, begging for help, and now I'm standing beside him at a football game. Time is weird. So many things can happen. I'm just trying to figure out how.

I'm more curious about the universe's reasons for saving me. Is this how life works? One second you're thinking it's about to end, and the next you're seeing how good it can get but wondering if it gets better. I didn't want to be alive twenty-four hours ago, and now I'm looking forward to the rest of the night. I have so many questions and nobody'd ever know the answer to them.

So, I played a part in tonight. I did what the people around me were doing. I clapped when they did. I frowned when they booed. I smiled when they jumped around, but Joey turned to me with an unamused look on her face.

"I fell in love with you the second I met you, Sawyer. There's something you need to know, though. Our football team loves it when we get rowdy. I'm gonna need you to do a little bit more than clap and smile, baby girl. Got it?"

"Got it."

The stands started to rattle; fans stomped their feet in anticipation. I looked around the sea of black and gold, losing my breath at the people screaming. Every piece of my soul seemed to awaken. I could barely contain my excitement as the crowd erupted in cheers as the punter kicked the ball to our returner.

I watched the number 87 follow the offense onto the field, setting up in his position, ready for the ball to be snapped. I wasn't oblivious to how football worked or player's jobs on the field. This is a tight-end school, so when Carter caught the ball, I knew exactly why everyone started losing their mind.

After securing the first down with 26 yards left for a touchdown, I watched the tight end flash a thumbs-up toward our section. Nobody paid attention, but I gave one back, mirroring his actions. I wondered if he did it for me because it wasn't until I did it that he put his down.

"What was that?"

I turned to find Joey staring at me with shock evident on her face. "What're you talking about?"

"That," she motioned between me and the field where Carter stood.

target. "I don't know."

"Well, whatever it was, it was fucking cute."

"Cade is throwing another pass to Carter!" Fletcher's voice grew louder. "Catch it! Catch it!"

My eyes found number 87 dropping in the end zone with a ball held tightly to his chest. As the cheers began, fireworks exploded in the sky above us. I tilted my head back to watch the golden light illuminate the sky. The glitter shimmered over the stadium, and as the color disappeared, I was desperate to see it again. Desperate to feel how I did when they popped overhead.

Joey's arm nudging into my side stole me away from my thoughts. I wanted to question her, but the sight of Carter standing at the edge of our section, pointing at us as the fans smacked his shoulder pads, answered everything I needed to know.

He made it to the end zone three more times. With every celebration, he came to us, pointing with a grin on his face, but the wink he shot in my direction made me wonder if he did this every game. My cheeks started aching. I couldn't help it. The way he held his thumb up to me afterwards was almost as if he was making sure I was paying attention.

When the clock ran out, fireworks exploded over the stadium once again. It warred with the sounds of cheering. I listened to chants break out as the team rushed the field to celebrate. My body fell back onto the stands, and even though the wind finally had its opportunity to engulf my body at the lack of bodies now surrounding me, I felt more alive than I had in a while.

People ran past me. They jumped over the barricade's walls, trying to make it onto the field. They just watched their team defeat an undefeated opponent, and after years of rivalry, they could finally bring home a trophy for their shelves. It made me realize how much I needed this.

I needed to be another number. Another ticket holder. Another person in the crowd. Someone who's enjoying their night and screaming in excitement. It didn't matter who I was or what happened to me. People didn't know, and most importantly, they didn't care. I felt small surrounded by the crowds. I was completely unknown, and for once I felt like starting over was actually possible. It finally felt like I could get a chance at a normal life. That I could escape my past and create a future for myself.

I also realized why people love sports. Why people collect jerseys and memorabilia. It makes sense why they'd spend so much money on a short period of time. Everyone's here to get by. Here to escape life. Here because we're able to add something to the list that makes living just a little less hard.

I don't know my purpose in life, and I might not figure it out tonight or even tomorrow, but right now, I'm getting on my feet to scream my head off because I just discovered how much I love football, and maybe the universe saved me so I could be here – right where I was meant to be.