Exclusive Teaser for #PleaseRetweet

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Sometimes I worry that if Britain was invaded, all we'd do is tweet about it. I can just imagine the trending hashtags:

#CRISIS

#EndofTheWorldAsWeKnowIt

#InvasionSelfie

The flow of live witty commentary would ease the tension of imminent death and give us something to giggle over. Of course there'd also be the killjoys trying to depress us all with the reality of the situation, punctuating their 140 characters with exploding emoticons, designed especially for the invasion.

"So what do you do May?"

I switch my attention to the earnest looking man in front of me. It's really not a very good testament to poor Andrew that one minute in his company and I'm contemplating something so dire. We only have two minutes left to magically fall in love, then someone new will appear to awkwardly shake my hand or aim a kiss at my cheek, and miss.

"I'm in social media marketing," I say.

He nods knowingly. "That's very now, isn't it?"

"Now, before, after... it doesn't stop."

He frowns.

"I mean it's very instantaneous. Immediate. Quick fire. Tweet! Response! Tweet! Response!"

I take a sip of my cold white wine. It's the only way I'll shut up. I'm just spouting words now. Andrew's introduction was far more coherent. It sounded like he'd practiced it a few times in front of a mirror. It would fit neatly into a tweet.

SparkyMay @sparkymay

Speed dating. No 3: Andrew. Driving Instructor. Enjoys travel, medieval history, walking dog. Looking for someone to share good times.

I suspect our idea of good times might differ slightly. Don't get me wrong, I love travelling too, but Andrew doesn't mean discovering new cultures and trekking through dramatic landscapes. He means taking trains around England, which is fine if you've got a railcard and you're able to book a year in advance, but otherwise it's so expensive you may as well go some place good weather is guaranteed. As for medieval history, it just makes me think of school trips and summer homework looming in the distance.

"What are your hobbies?" he says.

Obviously he's decided to steer clear of my job. The trouble is my job is tangled up with every part of my life because it never stops. Saying I'm a social media marketer doesn't really give the full picture. I work with C-list celebrities who, if let lose online, have a 99% chance of offending someone. They'll swear at people on Twitter, post inappropriate pictures on Facebook and generally show themselves up to be either ignorant, prejudiced, self-centred or all three.

To avoid being hated, they pay the company I work for money to communicate for them. To be their voice, but with a filter. So I'm on Twitter and Facebook every day pretending to be actors and singers and ex-reality stars who are just famous for being famous. It's very time-consuming. My office is my phone and my phone is always with me, and it's always buzzing. I really need to make more time for hobbies.

"I used to run," I say.

Andrew's eyes glaze over. I don't blame him. I'm never going to find a boyfriend with these conversation skills.

"I like..." what do I like? My mind has gone blank. "I like reading."

I used to read novels. Now my shelves are stacked with self-help books about time management which I don't have time to read.

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