He didn't want this anymore. It didn't feel right. He didn't feel like himself anymore and it just made him angry and sad. And it wasn't fair to the other boys and it wasn't fair to the fans. They may feel like he is abandoning them but eventually they would understand. Right? They would understand that he had to stop if it didn't make him feel good? He kept questioning the whole thing but he always came to the same conclusion. He needs to leave. He was more nervous about how the fans would react honestly. They had been there for him for the last five years and now he was just leaving like that. He would explain himself of course. He had everything planned out, he had already written his goodbye. He was nervous about telling the boys as well but they would understand more. They need to understand more. They have lived along side of him for five years so they know how hard it can get. Zayn wandered around the room thinking about what to say to the others. He had already spoken to the management and they had tried to convince him to stay but he had already made up his mind and there was nobody that could stop him. He had pushed through so many weeks, faked his smiles and acted like nothing was wrong and it had worked for him then but he needed to stop before he broke in the middle of a concert. Because if he kept up with this he was worried that he might would.
He couldn't sit still. He sat down on the couch but a second later he was up and walking again. He tried laying down but that only made if worse. He pressed play on his computer thinking some music would calm him down but it didn't really help that when he pressed shuffle the song that popped up was Ready To Run. He was ready to run. He had been ready to run for so long. He turned off his computer and walked around the house again. He ended up in his bedroom and looked around it. His eyes fell on the big clock beside his bed. They would all be here in forty minutes. He jumped in the shower for the second time that day. He took long time cleaning his body, still thinking about what to say and how to say it. He wanted to make sure to tell them that it had nothing to do with them. That they were still his best friends and that the last five years had been the best time of his life. He stepped out of the shower and heard loud banging on the door. He quickly put on some clothes and walked over to the door. His heart banging almost as loudly as the person by the door did. For a little while he thought that it might had been his heart that he heard but he opened the door and was greeted by Louis and Niall.
"Jesus, what took you so long? It's freezing outside." Louis said and walked straight in. Niall smiled and just followed him.
"Sorry I was in the shower." They sat down on the couch while they waited for the other two. After ten minutes Liam showed up and just after that Harry came as well. They talked for a while before everyone suddenly stopped and looked at Zayn.
"So you wanted to tell us something?" Liam said and smiled at him. Zayn kept looking at Liam for a while before he turned his eyes to his hands. He swallowed and when Zayn looked up everyone was staring intensely at him. The words stuck in his throat and he couldn't speak. He had lost the ability to talk. He opened his mouth numerous of times but no words came out. He cleared his throat thinking it would take away the huge lump that was lingering there, keeping him from talking but it was like it only grew bigger.
"Are you ok?" Harry asked. He looked at him and his face was screaming of concern. All of them looked worried. Zayn only nodded. Just as he was about to speak Louis pitched in.
"You don't look too good mate." And then the lump was back. He tried to swallow again and even though it didn't make the lump in his throat go away it shrunk at least.
"Actually." Zayn started. He swallowed again. Cleared his throat. Swallowed again.
"Actually I'm not fine at all." He was waiting for someone to say something but they just kept quiet. He looked around at all of them but his eyes lingered on Liam. His expression made Zayn break in half. He looked so worried and sad like he knew what he was about to tell them. Liam looked down at his hands.
"These couple of months haven't been quiet the best ones in my life so far. I haven't felt like myself and I've been feeling sad pretty much every day. I've been distant and haven't really wanted to hang out with anyone. I've pushed through the last couple of weeks but it is literally tearing on my soul and it's hurting me. So-"
"No." Liam interrupted him. Zayn looked up and saw that Liam's eyes were shiny, like he was about to cry. It stung in Zayn's heart when he saw Liam like this. He looked around and saw that they had all understood what he was saying now. They all had the same look like Liam did on their faces.
"Mate, no." Louis said.
"Is this some kind of a sick joke? It's not funny Zayn. Please tell us it's a joke." Louis continued. Zayn shook his head and looked down at his hands like everything would be better if he did not just meet their eyes.
"I'm leaving the band." Zayn finally said the words he'd been dreading to say all day. He looked at Niall who hadn't said anything yet. Niall sat there looking at Zayn but not really looking and Harry wiped his face with the back of his hand. Niall's face was emotionless, he had no expression. He looked empty. Zayn could feel his own tears welling up but he had told himself that he wasn't gonna cry.
"I want you to know that it has nothing to do with you guys. It's not you it's me I swear." Then Zayn started laughing and they all looked at him funny.
"Sound like something they say in the movies when people break up." Zayn was the only one laughing and it made his chest tighten again. Tears on their way up but Zayn kept them down.
"The last five years." He started.
"They have been the best five years of my life and I can't imagine my life without you guys but." He said. Niall was now looking down at his hands and they were all wiping their faces every now and then with the backs of their hands. Seeing all of them cry made Zayn's throat clench up and he had trouble breathing. The tears welled up in his eyes and he looked down at his hands again.
"It's just not doing it for me anymore. I want to be happy but everything stressed me out so much that I haven't slept in weeks and I feel like I'm going crazy." Zayn was also wiping his face with the back o his hand now.
"Why haven't you said anything to us?" Harry said. Zayn didn't look up.
"I don't know. I'm sorry." It was quiet except for the occasionally sniffle.
"I've already talked to Modest and everything is already sorted out."
They all sat in silence. Zayn didn't know how long but he didn't care. He was relieved that it was over. He was also relieved that it went alright. No one yelled or ran out. They didn't ask how he was gonna break it to the fans, they didn't talk about them at all. Zayn was glad they didn't. He wanted to make this all about them. About their memories together as best friends. About the things that the fans had no knowledge about. The little things that had happened during their concerts, the stuff backstage and in their tour bus. And they all talked about that later when they had all stopped crying and everything had calmed down. They talked old memories but the most important thing was that they all promised that this was not going to be their last memories together as best friends. No they were still friends and they would all still be there for each other.
Zayn all agreed to this but he knew how busy they would be. With tour and the next album and the next tour and so on. That's how it was for them. They would always be busy and they wouldn't see each other as much as they would like. They would text each other, call each other but they wouldn't see each other that much. But that didn't matter to Zayn as much. Because he knew that no matter what, the five of them would always find each other in the end.
