The Acceptance of Change

Chapter 20: Down II.

Jonas sat in the chair in front of me and began to sweat.

"You ok?" I asked as a joking remark. He didn't respond. It seems he didn't hear me at all. He just sat in front of me without moving. He wasn't there anymore.

"Jonas?" Nothing. He then began to sweat more and more, a glaze ran across his face after not even a minute. Almost as if he was experiencing a hot flash. He then slumped forward in front of me and fell to the floor. I could see him struggling to breathe as he was doing so quickly.

"HELP!!!" I screamed. No one answered. I scrambled to find my phone and I picked it up. I called 911.

They said they would be there within minutes, but it felt like hours. I had to just sit there and watch as Jonas appeared as though he was being tortured. It's all my fault. I shouldn't have tried to make friends with him again. This was all a mistake. I ruin everything. Jonas would just be better off if I were to die.

Death, I thought. It scared me how much the thought of it actually seemed preferable to the hell I was experiencing now. I have improved no ones lives since I have begun living. I exist to rip and tear.

Jonas was still lying in front of me. His face was red and his eyes were afraid. I wanted to help, I needed to! But I couldn't. My body froze, my body is afraid to hurt Jonas more.

"This is for the best," I thought.

His face began to turn purple. Is he dying because of me? Have I killed Jonas?

I blink once and the paramedics have almost teleported in front of my eyes. How did I not hear them? I'm not myself anymore. Maybe my mom was right. Maybe I am some kind of sinful monster that the world would be better without. Maybe I need to cure the world of a disease that I have made. A disease that I am.

After the paramedics took Jonas away, I sat there in silence. I think one of them tried to ask me what happened, but I don't remember.

I wet the bed with my tears that night. I slept soaked in my own sadness.

The next day I woke up with swollen eyes and a wet pillow. I got up and I ran to my phone to call Tommie to see how Jonas was.

It rang once.

It rang twice.

"Hello?" Tommie said.

"Please tell me Jonas is ok!" I exclaimed.

"Yeah, he's doing ok. He's actually awake now."

"I'm sorry Sadie." I heard Jonas say in a weak voice through the phone.

"No, no, no, please tell him that I'm sorry." I pleaded.

"Jonas?" Tommie asked.

No response.

"Yeah, he's out cold." Tommie said.

"I got to go," I said.

"You ok?"

"Yeah," is what I shouldn't have said, "I'm ok. I'll talk to you later, let me know if Jonas wakes back up please."

"I got you."

"Thanks, bye."

"Bye."

There was a brief pause of silence before he hung up. I couldn't bring myself to. As if the hole I had dug myself was too tempting to not climb out of.

Why was Jonas sorry. There is absolutely not a thing he should be sorry for. I am the reason why he is currently in this situation. Why is he not verbally beating and tearing at me for the sinful nature I have provided towards people. I just use and waste, I don't understand why people support my being. The firebird place gives me a home, but someone who can actually provide good things to society just by being themselves should be there, not me. I want to leave. But who would take me, I would just be wasting space there as well. I am just a waste of space.

I am just a waste of space.

This thought didn't scare me anymore.

How could I leave though? I didn't want to make a mess. I didn't want people to find me in such a way that they would be scarred for life. I just wanted to disappear. I wish something would just eat me and digest me.

The pond. The very pond that Jonas saved me from falling in. I could just jump in it, I can't swim so my instincts couldn't save me there. The pond. That's it. I'm going to solve something that I should've done when my mom kicked me out. This will solve my problems, because, at the point of no return, I won't have them anymore.