a reason to smile // seo changbin ✔️

chapter ten

abnormalities

moon jieun - thursday

a sigh leaves my lips as i push open the cafeteria doors. loud chatter filling my ears, my eyes scanning across the slew of people sat around tables, eating and talking with their friends. i had only ever been in here a handful of times, the most recent time with changbin and his friends. it was definitely one of my least favorite places.

but i felt as if i needed to be here. after what happened yesterday with changbin, i couldn't think straight. in another world, that would have been my last day alive, yet changbin came along, and changed that. i couldn't help but wonder if i had missed my opportunity, but for the most part, i was only wondering if changbin was the sign i was searching for.

but that was ridiculous.

"hey," changbin's voice fills my ears as an arm is lightly slung around my shoulder. "we're sitting over here." he smiles, pointing to the table in the corner with his friends. they all smile and wave at me, excluding jisung, who keeps his head down. "come on, felix and i saved you a spot." he adds, beginning to lead me towards the table.

everything felt so foreign to me. someone seeming to get excited over my presence. feeling welcome in such a crowded space. it wasn't anything i'd felt in a long time. and it almost felt real. of course, i was still skeptical, but it seemed that the days kept passing, and changbin and the others kept wanting to see me.

"hey jieun! did you do the homework for mr. lee's?" felix asks the moment i sat down between him and changbin. trying to ignore the foreign feeling i got when changbin pulled out my chair for me.

"no." i shake my head, eyes darting around the group. changbin had started eating his lunch, chan was doing the same, scrolling on his phone with his free hand, and jisung still kept his head down, forking at his food. i almost wanted to ask if he was okay, but based on our previous encounters, i could only imagine that he was annoyed with me being there. finally, a familiar feeling.

"do you want to copy off of mine? he said it's worth thirty percent." felix offers, reaching down to his backpack.

"no that's okay, i'm already failing." i wave him off, earning the attention from both chan and jisung. the two of them seeming a little shocked at my bluntness.

"i failed mr. lee's class twice." changbin speaks up, stalling a bite of food. chan and jisung now turn towards him, their expressions slightly more shocked. "why are you looking at me like that? you were there." he speaks to chan and jisung with a chuckle.

"i just don't think you've ever outright said it like that." chan responds.

"yeah, well moral of the story is, if you take his class a third time, he passes you automatically." changbin sends me a wink, followed by a slight nudge with his elbow. i feel a small smile tug at my lips, but i quickly hold it back.

"that's one way to do it, i guess." felix shrugs. "if you change your mind, let me know." he adds, now speaking to me.

"okay, thanks." i nod, the group falling into an awkward silence. i couldn't focus, my eyes continuously wandering back to jisung. i wanted to ask what was wrong, but at the same time, i was fearful of the answer. i knew it was me. he made it clear that he didn't like me from the start. the small apology i got from him was because he saw me crying. other than that, he doesn't like me, it was clear.

"so, jieun," changbin starts. "chan's frat throws an annual party in honor of the first snow of the year, so we were wondering if you'd want to come with us this year?" he questions.

"you're inviting me to a party? a frat party?" the words left my lips before i had time to think about them. the offer was completely out of left field, something i'd never thought i'd hear myself. up until now, i believed party invites were things that only happened in books or movies.

"yeah! it's really fun." chan speaks up, smiling warmly at me.

"i um... i just don't think that's really my scene..." i tell them, awkwardly avoiding eye contact.

"we figured you could meet the rest of our friends! they're not english or writing majors so we never see them on campus."  felix joins in.

"yeah... thanks but, i don't know about that." i pull my lips into a thin line.

"well-"

"guys drop it. jieun, you can think about it, the offer still stands, and it's okay if you say no." jisung cuts in, speaking for the first time since i sat down. everyone's head snaps towards him, but none of them argue, only silently nodding, going back to their lunches.

"thanks..." i mumble, watching as he nods his head, not bothering to look up at me. i quickly began to feel unwelcome in the space, my mind coming up with things to excuse me from the situation. an odd feeling, as normally, i would just leave, not caring about what anyone thought. yet, i felt as if i owed an explanation to them. "i um... need to use the bathroom." the only reasonable excuse i could think of. thankfully, none of them bat an eye as i stand up, making my way to the bathroom.

the moment i shut the stall door behind me, i felt a wave of relief. as if a weight was lifted from my chest. like i could breathe again. i'd forgotten how suffocating it was to be around people, especially people that you don't want to hurt. i didn't know when it happened, maybe the day i told off felix, but i hadn't been able to speak to any of them like that since. my once harsh and cold demeanor had practically diminished around them. i knew they didn't deserve that treatment, no one did. but it was my safeguard, no one would get close to me that way. no one could try to care about me. and i let my guard down, i knew it was taking a toll on me.

"jieun?" my brows furrow as jisung's soft voice echos through the bathroom. i quickly shake my head of all my thoughts, opening the stall to see jisung shyly peaking his head into the bathroom. "can we talk?" he questions. "not in here." he adds, looking around the bathroom awkwardly. i almost let out a laugh, opting to nod instead as i follow him out of the bathroom.

"what's up?" i ask as we settle on a private corner in the hallway.

"i just want you to know that you don't have to pretend around us. any of us." he starts off strong. "i know how draining it is, and we don't want you doing that. none of us are going to take it personally if you snap at us or something. we know how this works." he explains, causing my brows to furrow.

"what do you mean you know how this works? know how what works?" i question.

"we've just... been through something similar with changbin. and it's not my place to explain, but we almost lost him because he felt like he had to hide from us. so you don't have to do that. please don't." he begs.

"well i—"

"i can see how uncomfortable you are around us. and i don't know if it has anything to do with how i treated you when we first met, and if it does— i'm so sorry... i'm just so protective over him after what happened with the last girl he liked." jisung rambles, and i knew he let some things slip that i wasn't supposed to hear.
i chose to ignore it, opting to change the course of the conversation.

"changbin is lucky to have you as a friend." i tell him honestly, nodding calmly as i move to walk past him, planning to head out into the snow, take a few relaxing moments before my next class. but jisung stops me, his hand firm on my shoulder.

"you have me as a friend to." he tells me sternly. yet another foreign feeling on top of the dozen others today. i felt tears sting at my eyes from the sheer sincerity of his words.

"thank you." i smile.

a real, genuine smile.