Love Affair in Venice (COMPLETE)

23: Marco's Return? Pt. 2

The dreams were so bad at times she couldn't go back to sleep. Some nights she would toss and turn for hours, too afraid to close her eyes. Shadows would grow long and eventually fade into the morning sunlight and Vanessa would drag herself out of bed only to dread the idea of going to work. 

During the past few days, she had been operating on auto-pilot. She walked around feeling like the hollow shell of her former self, going through all her regular motions but secretly crumbling at her core.

Death, something that hadn't crossed her mind in almost seven years, suddenly infiltrated every aspect of her life. Much as she tried, morbidity was almost impossible to shake off once it took hold of her senses. She saw suffering everywhere and felt the weight of social neglect bear down on her fragile shoulders. 

She suddenly felt emotional towards the smallest things: a dried up worm on the sidewalk, an injured pigeon on her roof...even seeing the bandaged hand of a hot dog vendor made her want to weep. She also saw death potentially lurking around every corner and that made her anxious. She became more careful when she crossed the street, she avoided empty parking lots and she couldn't even stand watching TV commercials about starving children or abandoned animals. Everything was just...too much. All of it overwhelmed her. 

All. The. Freaking. Time.

When she passed by the homeless begging on the streets or disabled veterans holding up cardboard signs, she felt obligated, for the first time in her life, to routinely give them all the cash she had in her wallet. 

She didn't know why. 

Was it guilt? Because she hadn't used her wealth and resources to ensure Marco received the best treatment and doctors available? 

Was it empathy? For those who suffered so close to home- people she used to never even give a second glance?

Two days ago she passed by an amputee whose eyes looked just like Marco's. Vanessa opened up her purse and gave him $200. It was ludicrous and after she'd done it, she broke down crying in her car, wondering what the hell she was doing. Did she somehow think her money could bring Marco back to life? As if she could barter with the devil using cold hard cash? She was being pathetic. And completely delusional.

Lily had advised her to see a doctor and get a prescription for sleeping pills, perhaps some Xanax as well. Vanessa seriously entertained the possibility. She even considered seeing her old therapist again but a small voice in her head kept telling herself it was just a phase and that it would pass eventually. That she didn't need professional help.

During evenings and in her free time, Vanessa read articles about the five stages of grief. She pored over coping methods, online quizzes and self-help books. She tried positive affirmations. Journal writing. Even started jogging again. But nothing seemed to make her feel quite back to normal.

She was angry at herself for leaving. If she hadn't hopped on that plane, Marco would've never gotten into a car accident. She hated Carla, Marco's cousin, for never contacting her while he was in recovery. She even begrudged Adelina for not calling her sooner. The two of them had kept her in the dark for seven whole months. The resentment built up so quickly that Vanessa hesitated to visit Adelina for fear that she would lash out and hurt the little girl's feelings. Vanessa didn't even feel like she was strong enough to comfort Adelina, especially at a time when she couldn't even comfort herself. How was she supposed to be her role model when all she felt was emptiness and despair?

Marco's death was the catalyst that put Vanessa's entire life into perspective. She suddenly realized that life could be so short- that even surviving a car crash didn't mean your life would be saved. That even a miracle could soon rear its ugly head and God could take it all back. Take back his gift of life, leaving behind only murky memories and a legacy honoured by survivors' bereavement and remembrance.

Vanessa vacillated between rage and bargaining. If only she hadn't left Venice...If only she had tried harder to find him...If only Adelina had disobeyed her father and found the courage to call her...Vanessa had never really had any definite religious views before but now she found herself constantly cursing God for taking away one of the most gentle men who ever lived. 

God was unfair. 

God was unkind. 

God was an asshole.

She didn't even know why so much grief consumed her. It simply did. And she let it. She barely ate. She half-assed her responsibilities at work all week and pretended that she was just overworked. She cried herself to sleep. 

She hadn't felt this much sadness since the death of her parents almost seven years ago. The worst part was, she couldn't even bring herself to share her feelings and what had happened with Lexi. Or anyone else for that matter. She didn't want to involve anyone else. She thought she could shoulder the burden alone but day after day, it only grew in size and weight.

Perhaps it would be a good time to call up her psychiatrist, Dr. Henderson again.

Vanessa rolled over with a groan and checked the time on her phone. It was 7a.m. She didn't have to be at the office for another two hours. Perhaps it would be a good idea to stop by Dante's place and drop off some breakfast and snacks for Adelina. She had promised to visit soon and she wanted to do it before the new year.

As Vanessa drove to Dante's apartment, she was filled with dread over the imminent new year.

2016 would start with grief and that grief would undoubtedly cast a shadow over the rest of the year. It would be a horrible year. With a horrible beginning, insufferable middle and deplorable end. There would be nothing that could turn her to the light. No amount of financial success could possibly dwarf this ocean of sadness. Grief was a parasite. An agonizing leech that held on tight and refused to give her a moment's peace.

Vanessa stopped by the local supermarket and filled a small shopping basket full of freshly baked goods, fruits and healthy snacks. Then she continued on to Venice Beach, hoping she'd catch Adelina before she had to go to school.

By the time she pulled into the parking lot, she felt in much better spirits. Hoisting the three bags of groceries off the passenger seat, Vanessa shut the door with her elbow and then started making her way to the lobby.

But before she could reach the lobby, a horrible stench assaulted her nostrils. A mix of rotting meat and urine. With a scowl, she scanned the area, trying to ascertain the source of the foul odour. She soon discovered that the contents of a dumpster nearby had been picked apart by birds and other local wildlife. Two uniformed cleaners were attempting to clean up the mess.

As the smell continued to burn her nostrils, Vanessa set down the groceries and leaned against the side of the building. She pinched her nose and took in air through her mouth. Her eyes were watering and her head throbbed. She suddenly found herself losing her balance as a wave of dizziness overtook her. Sliding down onto the grass, Vanessa clutched her throat as a surge of nausea shook through her. She turned to the nearest bag of groceries and retched.

The watery vomit sloshed around the plastic bag as Vanessa heaved its entire contents into the nearest garbage can. So much for bringing Adelina some breakfast.

Horrible abdominal cramps stabbed at her sides as Vanessa pulled away from the parking lot and drove straight to work. She felt cold and weak. She was probably coming down with the flu. Adelina would have to wait. She couldn't risk passing it off to her.

I'm sure she'll understand, Vanessa thought as she headed up to her office. I'll make it up to her later.