the pink alpaca awards 2024

The Longlist

Before we start, a bit of an announcement first.

Since I didn't get many entries to the point of being overwhelming, I combined the length categories, so now, the camp is just divided into the Veterans and the Cadets.

And without further ado, here are the successful stories that have done the payments and have been judged

SEASONED VETERANS

Two to Tango
by Silverdawn284

[Redacted due to User's Discretion]

✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦

*Disclaimer: While I claim to be a graphic designer and I make my own covers when I can, my opinions here do not reflect the author's graphic design capabilities but more on how the cover looks to me. Like the writing world, my opinions here will be entirely subjective.

Kama: Liberation
by Shivran86

Cover* - 5
I've seen this cover before, and there's really nothing else I can say about it. Maybe just the text being squished together at the end of the cover, but that's such a minor thing. This is so close to being perfect.

Blurb - 8
While it introduces the four characters as well as their conflict and their inciting incidents, it does become cluttered and all over the place for the readers to further attach themselves to the story. I would start by avoiding the use of terms that might not be apparent to the wider intended audience. Using simplified versions of things in worldbuilding will help tons in grounding your readers from the first sentence.

It would also help centering paragraphs on a specific character instead of mushing them all in two. If it is Aryamna that is introduced first, I suggest tackling his arc in the first paragraph. Then, connect Rudra and Indu's arc from what the reader already knows from Aryamna (ie. that Indu is his daughter, and that Rudra is the Rajan that Aryam serves, etc.) and go from there.

You can also add some exposition that describes the world of Ishgar for it to not seem like a backdrop but rather a whole, breathing world in itself. While the internal conflict is described well, you can also balance it with an external conflict that might happen in the book (or if there are any).

Finally, the ending sentence doesn't pack a punch nor raise the stakes enough to fully sell the story. What is the thing that will prevent them from being happy? What about the women who returned from the clutches of death? Where did that come from? What about the past coming back?

Hook - 18
The first chapter is a good introduction to our four MCs and how they might be connected. I like the addition of the werewolf thing, and it wasn't very hard to isolate the story I read before and the one I am reading now. The only thing I noticed is that the first half and the second half of the first chapter seems different, tone-wise. It seems as though the first half is all poetic and the latter started getting comfortable and casual. I admit the tonal shift was a bit jarring.

Otherwise, I like the addition of mages and werewolves as it enhances the feel of the world, that it was indeed a magical universe. The introduction of the marriage, the brewing conflict, and the training of Indu brings about intrigue and doesn't rattle the reader with too much information at the first chapter and it doesn't info-dump either.

I'd say this was a well-written first chapter.

Grammar & Prose - 13
While the prose is good and flows very well, I noticed that there is a consistent issue with punctuation, including the commas in complex sentences with clauses with a full thought. The paragraphs could also be tightened by lessening glue words, past participles, adverbs, and passive voices.