The Hearts We Hide

05

Miraya

It's been a long time, babe. Are you still mad? Don't you think we should sit and talk like adults? I know you miss me too.

-Kayden

I couldn't figure out when he changed from a sweet, caring boy who bought me chocolates to a patronising jerk who didn't care about treating me well, only about having me or if he had always been this way and I was just stupid.

He couldn't always have been like this. I would've known, surely? Why didn't I know. Why did I push everyone away and make him the single focal point of my life.

Why was one text sent after weeks enough to send me into an emotional spiral.

I was dressed already, in a baby pink top and flared jeans. I had spent ages convincing Emi to come with me to the introduction event hosted by the literature club for interested future members. She had tried to get me to go to a party instead. A senior who lived nearby was hosting.

Now suddenly I didn't want to go.

Was I truly obsessing over a man barely two and a half months after the end of a three year relationship which shattered my whole self? Did I learn nothing? Why did I desperately want to put myself in a vulnerable position again?

"Are you sure I can't talk you into going to that party, instead? My dress is so pretty,"

Emi peeped through my half open door. She dressed the opposite of her personality and small frame. She was all leather, boots and red lipstick.

"Actually,"

Her eyes lit up.

"You changed your mind? Great!"

"Yeah, we should go. There'll be booze right?"

"'Course," her eyes narrowed. "Ray, is everything okay? Why did you suddenly change your mind? You were so excited to go to the other thing,"

How much do I tell her?

"It's nothing. My ex texted me. He wants to talk."

Sympathy clouded her features and she stretched out her hand for me to take. Managing a week smile, I moved from the bed, allowed her to wrap her arm around my upper back and guide me outside.

*

"—-he didn't even realise it himself," I blubbered. "I don't know why we have to explain everything to men! And he was always so weird whenever I celebrated any of my achievements," a small sob. "—-I don't know when he changed so much. I hate that he's trying to slide back in,"

"Giiiiirl, don't let him," her eyes were comically wide. "He's bad news. He sucks!"

We were a little drunk. It didn't take us long to embarrass ourselves in front of anyone listening. The music was moderately loud and there were a good amount of people. But both of us were being awfully loud, holding cheap drinks in paper cups and sitting near the makeshift bar.

"Did your last relationship suck too?"

"Are you homophobic?"

"No! Are you———" what was the word I was looking for? "—-homo?"

"Ohmygod yes," she giggled. "How'd you know?"

I giggled too and she fell over on the table, laughing. I wanted to check on her but I was laughing too much.

"Why'd you ask if I was homophobic?"

The giggling stopped. She turned her face, her cheek resting flat on the table. It was startling, the way she went from happy laughs to tears welling in her eyes.