Random Rants!

Vent Warning.

I think I'm slowly struggling to keep my enthusiasm up. As well as just being me. I live in a Christian home who at first supported me for being lgbt, but of course their minds changed after we started going to church a lot more. Which I don't mind, you do you if you wanna be religious plus I'm not trying to hate on y'all either. But it just hurts knowing my family no longer supports me and even if I try to speak up about something either to defend myself or some friends or a family member I'm in the wrong and I need to become 'saved' as well as 'if I don't I will go to hell.' I go to church and I'm practically forced to because they know Im not saved (and I'm basically the only one in the family that isn't saved) so they make me go. Which again. I kinda don't mind and care but eh. But what makes it worse is that I have friends at church, who are both home schooled and Christian all their life. 

But I feel like the bad person of the group each time I'm by them because I just believe that someone should know how they want to live and that it isn't my problem. I even confessed to my closest one there and of course she had to go tell her mother and now shes very cautious over me since I'm gay. But my friend still loves me and wants me to be by her side till the end of it all. I of course don't mind but until I get to my certain time of age, I just want to get out of my home as fast as I can so I can finally feel like me again. I miss the way my dad actually supported me, not caring what my pronouns are and everything. But now he just calls me the F slur whenever he's angry as well as cussing off about how my friends at school are the same way. As well as bringing up my friends at church and threatening to tell the pastor or them that I'm this way because I'm sinful and what not. 

My mom on the other hand says she loves me as me but doesn't love that part of me. And believes that 'God' can help me out of it that I just need to let him in. I legit don't even know what she is saying because I don't even feel that way??? I just read the bible and listen to the preaching and them screaming about how sinful this world is just to not seem like a bad kid or be disrespectful. 

One day I will leave my home and finally have my own tracks to be on. And to finally feel like myself again, depending on how America gets. I want to save as much money as I possibly can, maybe even move in with a friend from my school who would allow me. (Which was talked about a lot with one another a lot.) And find ourselves a suitable place where we are. I don't wanna cut my family off of course, I love them too much to do that. But sometimes I just wish I could run away and hide from them until I feel like its safe again. 

One day I'll feel like I'm free again. One day.