Atonement

Chapter Seventeen {I Will Fall}

I will fall/ I will fall if you come around/ Just when I think/ my heart break is settled down/ I will fall/ I will fall if you come around

-Clare Bowen & Sam Palladio

I had slept with Cap Hatfield. No, scratch that—there'd been no sleeping involved. I had had sex with Cap Hatfield. The experience both empowered and terrified me. There were the obvious thoughts of what the hell did I just do and let's do that again running torturously through my mind. Mostly, though, I felt numb.

This is what the romance novels don't tell you about having sex with your dream man: how awkward it's gonna be afterwards. All the novels simply skip over this tidbit where you're staring into eachother's eyes for a little while, curled up with eachother the next, and the stone silence that goes from comfortable to holy shit I'm afraid to breathe silent. Then there was the awkwardness of my brother being not too far away. The romance novels definitely never included that.

Me being me, I was the first to break. Silence had never been my strong suit. Shrugging out of his arm, I sat up and began to get dressed. Moments before I'd felt absolute easiness about being naked in front of him. Now I wanted him to look away.

"What're you doin?" he asked me a little tiredly.

Okay, maybe I was a little proud about wearing him out. Not enough to try it again, though. "Getting dressed, what's it look like?" Did that sound snippy?

I heard him sit up, felt him slide his arms around my waist, his lips pressed tenderly against my collarbone. "There's time for that," he murmured against my ear.

I shivered at his touch. "Yeah, like now." God, why was I being so flippant?

Cap turned my face towards him. "What's wrong?"

Oh, God, did he seriously just ask that? As if everything was fine and dandy! "Nothing," I lied.

His brows furrowed together in a deep frown. He seemed...offended. "Josie, tell me."

He didn't use my name. Like, ever. I felt it, though. I was feeling what he was feeling—this insane connection as if everything between us was different. I felt him giving into me, giving me more of him. And while I wanted him to, I didn't want him to. How could sex change the dynamic between us so much? While he seemed softer and content, I was freaking out. I didn't want to, but I couldn't let myself succumb to the emotions he was feeling.

"Did I hurt you?"

I needed him to stop talking. Jeeze, just an hour ago maybe I'd been begging him to speak up and now I wanted to beg him into silence. "No," I said, brushing him off.

"Then what's goin on?"

I understood his confusion. I felt bad, I really did. But I couldn't stop myself from getting so mad. I didn't even know why! Fury was burrowing deep in my stomach and stirring up a flame in my chest. There was nothing I could do to stop it. It was spreading like wildfire and I was pleading with it not to reach my mouth.

"I can't do this right now," I muttered while still getting dressed.

"Can't do what?"

"The talk!" I snapped. "I'm not doing the awkward talk of what's this mean, are we together, was it just sex, where do we go from here—it's too exhausting, so let's just not."

Cap let go of me. I could feel his eyes piercing into my side.

I sighed, rubbing my hands down my face. "I'm sorry. I don't know what's going on with me."