Aligning the Stars (GXG)

XI - Memory

Astrea

Ilang minuto na akong nakatayo sa pwesto ko ngayon, mahigpit ang pagkakahawak ko sa mga bulaklak sa magkabilaang kamay. Tila hindi ko alam kung ano ang mararamdaman dahil sa ilang taong nakalipas, ni hindi ko magawang pumunta dito.

Ang bigat ng pakiramdam ko sa bawat hakbang na ginagawa ko, dahil ito ang kauna-unahang bisita ko sa mga magulang ko.

Sa sementeryo.

Ilang taon na ba ang lumipas?

Labing-apat na taon na.

Pero ngayon lang ako naglakas loob na bumisita sa kanila, and not even Tita Sandra knows that I'm here. Hindi ko magawang magsabi sa kanya dahil pag nagkataon, mawawalan na naman ako ng lakas para tumuloy.

Nang mahanap ko na ng tuluyan kung saan sila nakapwesto, ay parang nanuyo ang lalamunan ko dahil nakatayo na ako sa pagitan ng mga libingan nilang dalawa.

In loving memory of..

Danilo P. Luceria
1974-2008
&
Annie A. Luceria
1978-2008

'Here lies beloved partners, Bound in life, now in eternity. Together forever, hearts entwined, Love's legacy in timeless rest.'

Reading their names on their own graves made it feel real to me. Naninikip ang dibdib ko at hindi mapigilan ang malungkot na lamang. "Ma.. pa.."

Unti-inti kong nilapag ang mga bulaklak na dala ko para sa kanila, "Pasensya na kung ngayon lang ako nakadalaw sa inyo."

Umupo ako sa pagitan nila. Malinis naman dito dahil alam ko na hindi pinapabayaan ni Tita Sandra ang mga libingan nila, lalo na't linggo-linggo niya itong pinapalinisan. I still remember their faces, and seeing how young they were when their life was taken away from them.

I managed to hold my sobs as I lit up the candles I brought with me, I then offered a little prayer as I closed my eyes. And I felt a little at peace while doing so.

"You must be wondering why I decided to visit you, guys." Natatawa kong saad dahil maski ko ay hindi rin makapaniwala na nandito ako ngayon. "Hindi ko rin alam. Alam ko sa sarili ko na kailanman ay hinding-hindi ako tatapak dito hangga't 'di ko pa naalala lahat.. hangga't hindi ko pa tanggap ang nangyari."

I choked up, as one thing came up on my mind.

"I met this.. woman."

Inayos ko ang pagkakaupo ko. It's the first time I'm opening up, and even if I'm just talking to my dead parents, I felt the sudden urge to let it all out.

"Before her, I was just someone who didn't care about anybody, who didn't know how to love anyone, who didn't know.. that I had feelings too." I sighed as I remembered how it used to be, "Even Tita Sandra didn't know what to do with me before. And I know she's wondering how I became.. like this, because even myself is surprised."

Nakatitig lang ako sa kawalan habang patuloy na naglalabas ng damdamin, "I used to push people away. Dahil ayokong kaawaan ako ng mga tao. I didn't want them to find me vulnerable, I didn't want them to help me. The idea of them fixing me didn't sit right with me. They think that it's easy for someone who lost a lot to be fixed, but it's not."

"But.. she came. And it all changed." I looked back at their graves, "Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit.. kung paano.. but she taught me that I was capable of loving someone."

It was unexplainable how she is slowly helping me to heal in ways that I didn't know existed.

"Just by looking at her, you'll instantly know that she's a good person." I absent-mindedly said, "She was the kind of person who made me believe in goodness just by being around her. Her words were always gentle and considerate, never aimed at hurting anyone."