/MEMORY/

open

I had wanted to die.
I had wanted to simply throw myself off
the building and let gravity do its job,
the knot into a tie.

I had wanted to dream.
I visualise the scenic flower garden, the
chaotic classroom, the terrifying zombies,
the apocalypse.
Sometimes I sleep, sometimes I don't to
the point I just collapse.

I had wanted to sing.
Speak the words within that no one else
can understand, to fulfil them into a melody.
Maybe I was too shy, too insecure of the voice
that I became a nobody.

I had wanted to take a dive.
Into the vast oceans, swimming pools,
sparkling blue lakes.
There is the fear of water, none of Poseidon's
gift was I given, no matter how much courage
it takes.

I had wanted to dance.
Still am, but with consequences.
My mind is blurring the steps, my body is
turning numb, forgetting all sequences.

I had wanted what I wanted.
But nothing is straight, everything slanted.
Probably I took the chances for granted.
Thinking that for survival, I just needed to try my best, look forward to the future, one day reach my potential, none failure parted.

I had wanted to die.

I want to die.