An Impossible Choice

Gatekeeper

Picture of Leo on the side <3

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Emma POV

I usually offer to teleport us to the room but this time I decided to walk up the stairs with Christ in front. I felt I needed the few extra minutes to think and get my thoughts in order but unfortunately when I look up Christ is holding the bedroom door open for me. His expression is that of in deep thought and I crinch. Was he angry? Sad? I was a horrible mate how could I not have realized that he was my true mate?

He sits on the bed and pats the spot next to him and I sit down facing him. I try to avoid his eyes so I look away and mumble “I’m sorry…”

“What are you sorry a bout?” he asks a little harsh.

I flinch and look up to face his eyes they were calm and I tear up, “I’m sorry I’m a horrible mate! I’m sorry I didn’t know it was you… I’m a bad person! I should use dark magic because I’m horrible! Most of all I’m sorry I was touched by others and you hurt because of it. I’m filthy Christ and I am so sorry… I can understand if you don’t want to really touch me for a while… god! I must still reak of them and-“

“I think you have said enough Emma” he says softly moving his hand over to my cheek I flinch but he just caresses it gently. “I didn’t mean to ask you so harshly earlier. Emma, don’t ever think that way; you are neither filthy nor bad. You’re a kind girl-“

“I’m not kind Christ I killed those men out there” I interrupt him and pull away from him standing up and turning my back to him shaking. “I don’t even know who I am any more… what would the old me do? I don’t know… I’m not that Emma any more… but then who am I?” I turn to face him and I honestly felt lost. “Who am I Christ?”

“For now… we can say you are my mate” he says with a light chuckle trying to light the mood unfortunately it didn’t work. I put my hands over my eyes and took deep breaths.

“I’m tiered of always crying… of always running away… of being weak” I whisper stepping forward and he stares up at me in surprise. He pats the spot next to him and I sit he takes my hands in to his holding them gently but firmly as if worried I will get up again.

“You are not weak… are you kidding me Emma? I can’t believe that came out of YOUR mouth” he barked a laugh and shook his head. “List to me what you have done in the last month starting from the night I rescued you… don’t forget that happened twice.”

“I don’t get why I have to-“ I was cut off by Christ pulling my hands closer and giving me a very light but warm peck on the lips that sent tingles down my spine.

“Just list things off now” he ordered.

“I almost got kidnapped… twice” I began and let out an annoyed sigh I didn’t even know why he was trying to make me lift things off what good would that do. “Had to move in to a pack house and leave everyone and everything I knew. I guess I rained with them. Oh then got rejected, ran away, found a… fake mate? Found my way back…. Fought some roughs, almost got killed by a witch… got kidnapped by my fake mate… tortured by…” I bit my lower lip hard trying not to cry and he squeezed my hands encouraging me to keep me going. “My fake mate tortured me for two weeks… then I was kidnapped for real, had to fight wolfs, returned home and fought more wolfs….”  

There was a long silence after I was done it was almost like every single thing that had happened to me in the last month or so was just hitting me. Had I been moving on auto pilot this whole time? I stared at Christ in the eyes my mind was trying hard to comprehend what I had just said. I felt so drained not just physically but emotionally. I was emotionally drained I thought I was responding accordingly to everything that was happening but was I bottling up some of my emotions? Yes I felt frustrated, angry, happy, sad, confused all the time but why did it feel like something was wrong?