a reason to smile // seo changbin ✔️

chapter seven

face it

moon jieun - monday

i frown as my eyes land on felix. his head was down, fiddling with a pencil. he usually would have waved at me, but he didn't today. maybe he actually listened to what i said. i make my way over to him, sitting down with a plop. i was even more surprised when he didn't attempt to say anything to me even then, not lifting his head up.

"anything new with mr. lee and jiyeon?" i whisper. i could tell it shocked him as he looked at me with furrowed brows before speaking.

"huh? i don't know, i wasn't paying attention." he shrugs. i could only nod, unsure of why i even started the conversation in the first place. it was nice that he seemed to respect what i told him. even though a small part of me wanted to apologize, i couldn't. "i um... what did you mean when you said people who won't remember you in a few months?" he suddenly asks, whispering lowly.

"i— i mean like, classes will switch. we probably won't see each other anymore, and we'll stop talking..." i didn't know why i answered him, or why i lied. but i know that no good comes from telling people your true intentions. all they want to do is give you a plethora of reasons why you shouldn't.

"oh. well— what's your major? i'm sure we'll have a lot more of the same classes." he shrugs.

"i don't have one."

"why not?"

"i just... don't know what i want to do."

"well, i'm an english major. and changbin says you like to read so, maybe you'd like it?" he suggests.

"changbin says i like to read?" i cock an eyebrow. he was talking about me to his friends?

"yeah he um... because of the book you have." he points to the book on my desk.

"oh... it's just homework really. i'm not a big reader." i lie.

"oh, okay." he nods, pulling his lips into a thin line. and with that, we fall into silence. and for once, i felt a little disappointed as our conversation came to a close. this keeps happening. i keep finding myself not hating the people around me, actually feeling sad when im not interacting with them. it has to stop. i can't do this.

"i'm gonna go." i tell him suddenly, standing up from my seat.

"what? class hasn't even started yet." felix furrows his brows as he looks up at me quizzically.

"i just... don't feel like sitting here." i shrug, slinging my backpack onto my shoulders.

"wait-" but i didn't stick around to listen, practically sprinting out of the classroom, out of the building, into the cold weather. i heave a sigh of relief, seeing the campus virtually empty as everyone was in class. "jeez you walk fast." felix's voice fills my ears once again, along with slight panting.

"why did you follow me?" i turn to look back at him.

"are you kidding? i hate that class." he chuckles. "why wouldn't i follow you?" i couldn't help the small smile that tugged at the corners of my lips. "where are we heading?" he asks.

"i was just gonna sit somewhere..." i shrug, hating the fact that i wasn't bothered by him being here with me. just a week ago i would have told him to go back to class. what is happening?

"out here? it's freezing? i think my hair will turn into icicles." he jokes, pulling his hood over his head.

"i like the cold." i shrug.

"this isn't cold, this is antarctica in the winter." he jokes again, and i laughed.

"where do you want to go?" i ask.

"we can go to my dorm? it's not far." he suggests.

"your dorm?" i cock an eyebrow at him.

"yeah. i have a couch, a tv, and heat." he says, wrapping his arms around his body.

"tempting." i roll my eyes.

"plus, my roommate has class, so he won't bother us." he adds.

"i don't know." i shake my head. i hadn't been in the dorms on campus, not having any friends to invite me. and being alone in a dorm with felix didn't sound like the best idea.

"okay well, how about the dining hall? somewhere inside at least." he practically pleads.

"you shouldn't have followed me if you're so sensitive to the cold."

"please. you're shivering too." he scoffs.

"i like shivering." it makes me feel something.

"you'll get sick."

"maybe." i shrug. i start to walk away, towards a secluded bench i sit on all the time. felix huffs as he follows me, the small sound of his teeth clattering together could be heard over our small footsteps. i take my spot on the bench, leaving room for him to sit next to me if he wanted. something i again, wouldn't have done just last week.

"okay. now what?" he asks, shaking as he sits next to me.

"i come here a lot." i tell him.

"how come?" he asks, looking around. it wasn't much of a pretty scene. since it was secluded, the view was a brick wall of one of the buildings. there was also a dumpster, one that never seemed to get used, and a small, unkempt bush. it wasn't much, but it was quiet.

"it's quiet." i voice my thoughts.

"so you like the cold, and the quiet." felix concludes with a nod.

"i guess so."

"what do you do when you come here?" he asks.

"mostly just think."

"about?"

"just... life." and death. felix suddenly stands up, extending his hand out to me.

"come on. i want to show you something." he encourages. i stare at his hand, knowing the me a week ago would never do this, i placed mine in his. allowing him to pull me up from the bench.

"why?" i ask as he pulls me off in the opposite direction.

"you show me something, i show you something. that's how this works. plus, mine is inside." he chuckles, walking a little bit faster.

this is not how my week was supposed to start. why couldn't i have kept my mouth shut in class? why is this happening to me? and why don't i hate it?