a reason to smile // seo changbin ✔️

chapter five

get me out of here

moon jieun - saturday

i yawn as i hobble down the stairs, prepared to be bombarded by my mother's happy face as usual. but instead, it was eerily quiet. i furrow my brows as i peak into the kitchen, noting that no breakfast had been made. i make my way to the living room, she wasn't there either.

"mom?" i call out, heading to her bedroom door. i go to twist the knob, but it doesn't budge. that's weird... i then head to the window by the front door, peaking out the curtain to see if her car was still here. it was, my fathers car still gone from the night before. before i could call out for her again, her door opens.

"oh, hey jieun, sorry— i slept a little later than usual." she chuckles, stretching her arms out.

"that's okay, i thought you left." i tell her, taking in her appearance. she was dressed as if she was going somewhere.

"not yet, i do have a few errands to run." she replies, checking her watch. "will you be okay to make breakfast yourself?" she asks.

"yeah, don't worry about it." i wave her off. times like this reminding me of how much i wish my dad wasn't around. wishing he would just join in on the other family, and leave mine alone. mom was a lot more calm, and she didn't have a ridiculous smile plastered on her face. just a small, comforting one. it made me feel like everything was fine.

"okay-" she walks over to me, pulling me into a hug, placing a small kiss on my forehead. "call me if you need me. i love you." she says.

"i love you too." i nod, watching as she hurried out the door. i felt terrible. i was holding her down. if i wasn't here she would be long gone, not even bothering to be fake around my dad. she would make a new life for herself, somewhere better. but she couldn't, because of me. she didn't want to leave me with him, though she would never admit it herself.

i freeze, hearing the lock to the side door click open. i instantly peak over the corner, placing my hand over my mouth as i see my father sneaking in another woman. the two of them were giggling happily as they quietly made their way inside.

is he serious?

i felt sick to my stomach watching him press her against the wall in a feverish kiss. he must have forgotten i was here for the weekend. but i wouldn't be for much longer. i quietly ran up the stairs, grabbing a few necessary things before heading back down. he still had her against the wall, the kiss slowly getting more heated. i knew i had to get out of here before i heard something i would never be able to unhear.

i left, purposefully slamming the front door on my way out. the two of them deserve a good scare after he had the nerve to bring her into his home where his family lived. it was disgusting.

of course, i didn't know where i was heading, nor do i know why i grabbed that book. a reason to smile. it was utter bullshit. relationships don't work like that, my parents are a clear example. they only end up causing pain. yet for some reason, i was drawn to the book, and drawn to the characters. how the female lead trusted the male lead, despite everything she had gone through.

i related to her a lot in that aspect. of course, her story was different from mine, but i think the issues we face are similar. my parents being a prime example to me that relationships don't work, and in the book, the female lead had been cheated on, and used. only difference is, i didn't understand how she could trust someone after what happened to her.

i've never given anyone enough of a chance to get close to me in that regard. it ruined my mother, turning her into this fake woman who hid all emotions but one. a woman who ignored obvious signs for the sake of her family. i didn't want to go through that, hell, i hated that i was putting her through that. i was selfish.

"just a little bit longer, mom..." i whisper to myself, hearing the leaves from the trees crunch beneath my feet. it was only a matter of days before all of the trees were completely bare, the ground coated in the colorful objects. then maybe after that, the first snow wouldn't be much further behind.

i could only hope.

"if you can't hold on for yourself, hold on for me." one of the lines in the book that i just couldn't comprehend. i'd read it over probably a hundred times. why would you beg the person you supposedly love to hold on for you? it just seems cruel to me. and probably my least favorite part of this book is the way she replies to him.

"i'll hold on for you, if you promise to hold onto me." she replies. no one even talks like that, especially not someone suffering as much as she was. as much as i am. i could never imagine those words leaving my mouth. it's unrealistic. he could say that he will hold onto her, and the book could have a happy ending, but in reality, it would never work out that way.

in reality, he would hold onto her until he got bored, and then the process would start all over again. all the pain she felt will come flooding back, only worse. because that's what happens when you let your guard down. when you let in the thing that caused you so much pain. things don't change, people don't change, ignorance is bliss in this world.

there are no happy endings.

"well, i certainly didn't expect to see you here." a voice fills my ears.

"changbin."