I Let Myself Want You

47 ● Yohan ● 20.06.2023

Jesus Christ. Why does he even care? "People are stupid, Jes. Why do you care what they think? You're more than capable to take over, I believe in you. And it's been your dream to become the chief one day. You have the chance now," I said, smiling at him lightly.

It seemed like he didn't know what to say for a couple of minutes. He just stared at me like he didn't believe what was happening. And when he did speak eventually, I wished that he didn't, because he started voicing out his concerns and he started tearing up again, he got angry again.

"So what, you're putting Malcolm as the head of neuro, me as the chief. What other replacements have you planned, huh? Am I going to come home to a different boyfriend tomorrow, because you decided you're going to die?" Jesper said, giving me a disappointed look. Ah shit, I could handle him being mad, but I didn't like when he was purely disappointed in me.

"Jesper," I said softly, looking at him with a pained expression on my face. I hated those kind of conversations, I could already picture it ending badly.

"That's what it looks like, Yohan!" He raised his voice. "You're putting people in your places, like you're supposed to disappear," he added with a quiet voice. Shit. He was about to cry again, and damn it, I didn't want to see him cry, ever again, but I knew that he's going to cry a lot from now on, considering everything.

"I'm not sure about that," I frowned at him and came closer, wanting to be as close as possible, wanting to comfort him somehow. "But what if I am? What if I'm putting people in my places, because I want to make sure that everything is going to be taken care of after I'm gone?" I asked.

"And what about me?" Jesper spoke with a quiet voice, looking at me with glassy eyes. He looked so vulnerable right now that it made me want to cry myself. "What about me, Yohan-ah?" He asked again, his voice breaking. Fuck. I'm going to cry in a minute as well. "How am I going to be taken care of? Who's going to fucking take care of me after you die?" He asked, and with the last word, he let out a sob, and he started straight up crying, which made me cry as well. Damn it, I didn't think it would be this hard.

"Jes-" I started, not really knowing what to say to that, but he stopped me. "No one. No one, Yohan. Don't you even dare look for a replacement. You're irreplaceable, damn it! There's not a person in the world that can replace you, trust me, I've looked," he said sternly, looking at me with both anger and hurt in his eyes. "So tell me, what about me? What's going to happen to me when you're gone?" He asked again.

"You'll move on eventually," I said, like it was obvious, like I knew that he could handle it.

"You think I'll be able to move on after you die when I wasn't able to move on twenty years after our breakup?" He said, frowning at me, smiling sadly like a mad man, like he was falling apart. "And why the hell are we even talking about dying? Can't you cut that thing out? You said so yourself, Malcolm wants to do it!' He said desperately, coming closer. "Don't you want to live, for fuck's sake? Not for me, or Jisoo, or your mom. For yourself, Yohan. Don't you fucking want that?" He asked, grabbing my face between his palms, looking into my eyes with hope.

"If Malcolm operates, there's a lot of things that can go wrong," I said, shaking my head. I thought about it a lot, but I was still hesitant about it. "For one, I may not wake up at all. I can lose my sight. I can bleed out and die on the table. He can mess up a thousand other things! And even if he cuts it out, there's no guarantee that everything will be fine, that I'll live more," I explained. There was so many things that could go wrong, I simply didn't want to take a chance and find out.

"But wasn't that the reason you hired Malcolm in the first place?" Jesper spoke, frowning at me a little confused. "You wanted him to help you, you wanted him to operate. I'm sure you did. So why are you hesitating? If you don't operate, you'll die. If you do, then there's a chance everything is going to be okay. Don't you want to have more time, Yohan?"

"That's just the thing," I said, shrugging helplessly. "I have more time if we don't operate. If we do, I can die on the table. If we operate tomorrow and I bleed out on the table, then today is our last day, and I want so much more with you, Jesper," I whispered, touching his cheek lightly. "If we don't operate, I have at least a few more weeks, or maybe even months. And if we do- I can die during surgery, Jes. And I'm not ready to do that yet," I admitted, shaking my head helplessly. "I'm not ready to die, having so little time with you in life. I want more, but I can't have that, and there's nothing I can do about it. Surgery or no surgery, I'm fucked."

"Shit. What is it about this stupid world that the good people always have it the worst?" Jesper said, shaking his head. "I don't want you to die, Yohan-ah," he said quietly, and I started wiping his tears with my fingers. "Please, just- Can you consider the surgery? Please. I- I can't lose you. Not again. Not like that. I'd rather not be with you at all, if it meant that you would have a chance to live."

Fuck. I don't think he even realizes how big of a heart he's got. Could I consider the surgery? Well, like I told him, it's either a few weeks of dying slowly, or doing the surgery and possibly dying on the table. What's there to lose? Life, I guess, either way. I could think about it more, I would actually consider the surgery if it meant there was a high chance of survival. I would have to talk to Malcolm about that.

"What if-" I started, thinking about it. "What if we call Malcolm and Jisoo and talk about it later? The four of us," I proposed. I saw Jesper nodding eagerly at that and I felt him wiping the tears from my cheek. I felt something cold on his hand and when it hit me, I immediately grabbed his hand in mine and I looked at the ring I gave him a few days ago. "I'm really sorry about that," I said quietly, actually hating myself a little for doing that. "It was selfish of me to propose in a situation like that," I admitted and looked away.

Jesper quickly grabbed my face again and made me look at him. "Don't apologize," he said sternly. "I just- I thought it was the beginning of something new, but I guess- It seems like it might be the end," he added, letting out a quiet sob. Fuck. Not again.

"I'm so sorry for lying to you, Jesper. I never meant to hurt you again, I'm so fucking sorry," I admitted, hating myself for what I did.

"Don't," Jesper said, shaking his head and smiling at me through his tears. "Like I said many times, I love you to death, Yohan-ah. And I'll love you even after that," he whispered. "No matter what happens, I'll never stop loving you. And as I said before, I don't imagine myself being married to anyone else besides you, so... I'm not actually mad about the proposal. I want to marry you, Yohan. Whether you're dying, or not. I became yours the second I let myself want you all those years ago and I will always remain yours. There's no going back now. I'm in this, and I'm in this deep, and I love you so fucking much that everything hurts, now that I know there's a possibility you could die."

"Can we- Can we not think about it for a moment?" I asked hopefully. "I'll call Malcolm in the evening and we'll talk about it, I just- I want to stop thinking about it for a minute and just be with you, Jesper, because I love you like hell and I just want to spend my time loving you peacefully, not thinking about dying."

I think he was tired as well, because he nodded right away. He probably wanted to forget about it too. And that's all I could wish for, to forget about it just for a couple of hours. I didn't want to waste any time, so I just lunged forward and kissed him with all that I had, and I took him back to the bedroom, so that we could get lost in each other, instead of our thoughts.