Hex

* T H I R T Y - T W O

© Amber Kalkes 2015

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"White Lightening And Wine" By Heart

*T H I R T Y-T W O *

I wake up to find the sun already setting and a chill in the room. I don't know how long I've been asleep but however long it is, it doesn't seem to be enough. After Brandon laid me down, gave me some Advil and soothed me to sleep, I dreamt restlessly. I was running in the woods, low to the ground like an animal and I was looking for something.

Running a hand down my face, I sit up in the bed and look around. I'm alone in my room and the chill is coming from one of the cracked open windows nearby. Pushing the covers off my lap, I get out of the bed and head over towards it. I realize that I'm still in shorts and with the dropping temperature I decide to grab the comforter off the bed and wrap it around me.

My feet plod audibly against the floor as I move towards the window before stopping to stare at the landscape before me. Endless trees, bathed in dusk sunlight is a sight that never stops taking my breath away, no matter how long I've been here. It's a sight I wouldn't mind seeing everyday and absently I wonder if the Green Hill pack house has equally stunning views.

It doesn't take long for my moment of tranquility to be broken by memories of earlier today. I grimace as I remember how it all went down and feel the urge to smack myself in the face. What is wrong with me? One minute I'm swearing I'll kill Nadine and the next minute I'm letting her hug me? What is wrong with me? The unwelcomed idea that she may have influenced me come to mind but I squash it pretty quickly. She's manipulative, sure but not that manipulative.

I hope she's not, anyway.

With a sigh, I turn away from the window and look around the room. I wish Ginger was here. I miss him and in times like this, he's usually comforting. When I was growing up I wasn't allowed to have pets. Mom was saying that their hair made her ill and so often I played by myself until Mary was old enough to play too.

Anyway, to keep my busy and out of her hair my mom bought me a doll house when I was six. Pink, plastic and very expensive it kept me busy in my room most of the time. It also came with three dolls. A mom doll, a dad doll and a little girl doll. The little girl doll looked nothing like me with its blonde ringlets and pale cherub-like face.

Looking at the doll always made me feel weird. I knew I didn't look like that and I certainly didn't look like my parents. I wondered who my real mommy was. Was she like this new mommy? This mommy who looked at me funny and seemed not to like me? Would my real mommy like me? Would she look like me and love me like this mommy loved Mary?

It seems sick to think about it now but it was how I felt. It wasn't because I was different that I felt that way. It was because I was treated different that I felt that way. If my adoptive mother has treated me like her daughter would I had left home as soon as I was able? Would I have met Nadine? Would I have met Brandon? Would anything be as it is now?

Sitting down at the edge of the bed I rub my hand down my face and try to ignore the heavy feeling in my chest. Would I have wanted things to have turned out different? No, I wouldn't. Despite the mess that everything is in this moment I don't think I would have wanted anything to be different.

I have Mary. Not my biological sister but no less of a sister in my eyes. I have Wren, who I think I can count as a friend. I have Brandon, the love of my life and the biggest pain in my ass I have ever known. This pack, this is a family. These people have been so good and hospitable to me despite my outsider status here. After thinking about all I have now I don't think that I can say that I would want it any different. To have less struggle but less love seems like too much of a shitty trade.