Just A Kiss Goodnight

Chapter Thirty-Three

"Kate, my darling, I ..."

"Tom, stop."

"I love you ..."

"Tom, please! Stop, I beg you!"

"What? Why? Kate I'm trying to ..."

"Don't say it! Darling please, please, don't say it." Tears were streaming down my cheeks and the confusion I saw on Tom's face only added to the burden of pain I was feeling.

"Dammit woman, I'm trying to propose!"

Oh god, how do I say this without hurting him? I'd give anything not to hurt him!

"Tom ... I ... I don't want you to propose."

The look on his face felt like a skewer straight into my heart. "Please Tom." I went to put my hand on his arm but he flinched away from me. "Darling, small steps ... we talked about this ... we agreed ... small steps."

"You don't love me."

"I do love you, you know I do."

"Not enough to marry me obviously." He got to his feet and took a step away from me.

I closed my eyes, as if that could possibly stem the tidal wave of hurt that was crashing down on me ... on us. "Tom, you agreed not to rush me. I'm not ready ... please don't pressure me ... this is just like the baby thing."

"What baby thing?"

"When Charlotte was born and you went all gooey-eyed and kept dropping hints about babies ... and Molly was a mini me ..."

He blanched, looking more hurt than he had before. "I didn't realise the thought of having children with me was so terrible ..."

"It's not! Darling, it's not ... just not yet. Please Tom ..."

"When?"

"When what?"

"When will you be ready?"

"I ... I don't ..."

"A month? A year? Five years? How long do you expect me to wait?"

"Tom, don't be like this, please. I love you; I want to be with you. Can't that be enough for now?"

"How long Kate?"

He was hurting, I knew he was, and I knew that that was what was making him so angry and cold, but I was struggling to get through to him.

"Tom ..."

"How long?"

It was no use; he wasn't listening. "I don't know."

The pain in his eyes was tearing me apart; I was trembling like a leaf and it was all I could do to stay on my feet. I wanted to take him in my arms and kiss him and tell him everything would be all right, but I didn't know that I believed it myself right now.

He looked down at the jewellers box in his hand and slowly replaced it in his pocket, then he walked to the door, took his coat from the rack and left without a word; I sank to the floor and sobbed.

The sound of my phone ringing roused me some time later and I got off the floor and rushed to find it, hoping it was Tom. Caller ID showed it was Ben.

"Tom's with me; I just wanted to let you know. He's downed half my bottle of Jameson's already."

"Thank you Ben. Take good care of him and ... please tell him I love him."

"I will Kate. I'm sorry."

"Thanks."

I thought of calling Davey but I'd seen the logo on the jewellery box and remembered the significant looks he'd given James at dinner - Davey knew already that Tom was going to propose. Instead I went to have a shower. When I saw my face in the vanity mirror I quickly looked away again; I didn't need a visual reminder of how shattered I was. I stood under the spray of water and wished it could wash away the pain as easily as it washed away the new tears I shed, but knew that to be a forlorn hope.

Certain I wouldn't get any sleep, I didn't even bother trying. I went to my office, the only room that didn't have tangible reminders of Tom everywhere, but after two hours of trying to get some design work done had to admit defeat; what I had come up with was total rubbish and I scrapped the whole file.

I lay on the bed in the spare room - which at least was one Tom and I hadn't shared - waiting for dawn to come, and then I changed into running gear and headed out to the Heath. Pounding the paths with music playing in my ears should give me something else to concentrate on, I reasoned, but it was no more successful than the design work and I just ended up thinking about Tom anyway.

After another shower I dressed and took a taxi to Mike and Abby's place, arriving just in time for breakfast. Molly and Matt gave me a huge welcome and I had to stop myself from squeezing them so tight that I'd crush the air out of them. I knew my brother and sister-in-law could tell from my face that something was wrong; I also knew that they wouldn't ask in front of the kids, so I had a breather for now. Abby had made blueberry pancakes and I toyed with the food on my plate for some time, managing to swallow one bite but knowing any more than that would choke me. The kids chattered away and I must have responded appropriately but I had no memory later of what was said.

Eventually Abby took the kids off to get dressed and Mike and I went into the lounge with a cup of tea. "Alright Katie, tell me." Mike and Davey were the only ones now who called me Katie; my parents had too. Mike was so much like our dad; tall, solid, curly brown hair like mine and a strong, firm jaw. We had always been very close, even as kids; there was only eighteen months between us.

Once I'd told him everything he sipped his tea and thought for a few minutes, then got up and grabbed his coat and car keys.

"Come on." He said to me.

"Where are we going?" I was completely confused.

"To visit mum and dad." He went to tell Abby what was happening while I put my coat on, and then we went out to his car and drove to the cemetery where our parents were buried. When we reached their headstone we spent a few minutes clearing weeds and tidying up the area; Mike took my hand and gave it a squeeze. "I still miss them every day."

"Me too." I said and squeezed back.

Then with a sigh he turned to me and asked, "Katie, you love him don't you?"

"With all my heart Mike."

"Can you see yourself marrying him?"

"Yes, when the time ..."

"Yes or no Katie."

"Yes."

"And having children with him?"

"Yes."

"And he wants marriage and kids with you too, clearly."

"Yes." There was a huge lump in my throat to swallow past.

"Then Katie, what is it that you're waiting for, exactly?"

"I ... I ..." Nobody had ever asked me that before and I realised with a start that it was also something I had never asked myself.

Mike looked at the gravestone. "Carpe diem. Do you remember how dad used to say that all the time? Carpe diem lads, seize the day!"

I nodded. "It was from a movie he liked."

"Do you think, if mum and dad had known what was going to happen to them, that they would have changed any of it? Not gotten married, not had us?"

"No."

"Me neither." He took both my hands in his. "Katie, you need to seize the day. When happiness is offered to you, you grab it with both hands and run with it as long as possible. Don't end up living a life of regret."

I didn't think I had any tears left in me but there they were, pouring down my face again. Mike wiped them with his hanky then pulled me into his arms. "I love you Katie."

"I love you too."

As we drove back to Mike's place I had a lot to think about. What was I waiting for? I was 32, owned a successful business, was financially secure and had a man I adored and who apparently adored me back. What the hell was I waiting for? I couldn't come up with a single answer.