Take Two

23║Rough Start

one more chapter after this. holy crap.

in other news I am so ready to put this book on the shelf, I promise you that what you are reading is not my best work- I know that- and that if you stick around and follow me (shameless) I can already tell you that my next novels will have a lot more heart and effort put into them (meaning longer and edited chapters haha). thank you as always! I hope that you guys enjoy.

(I really should be studying for my french exam lol)

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T W E N T Y T H R E E;

There is this sense of joy as the New Year comes, like a little voice is whispering to you and tell you that this year will be the one. This year will be the best yet.

This year will be filled with happiness.

I didn't feel that happiness though, not as I sat in the parking lot of the funeral home four days after New Year's. The snow was falling in a never ending wall that looked like it was barricading me in.

I drew a small picture in the fog of the window, a heart with 'C and Z' written in the middle before I quickly erased it. Carter hadn't called since I left him on New Year's Day in the arms of his dad, not that I expected him to. Instead it was his dad that had called to let us know that the funeral was today, and I quickly called Elli, who called everyone else to pass on the word.

My mum came back moments later, her cheeks tinged red and her mouth hidden behind her hands. She threw herself into the car, immediately putting her hands in front of the heater. "It's the right place," she confirmed. We both hadn't been in this part of Toronto before, so my mum wanted to make sure. "The service should begin in a few moments, are you ready to head up?"

I bit my lip before nodding. I knew that this wasn't going to be easy, but I also knew that I had to be there for Carter. I couldn't let him slip away from me like I slipped away from him.

Together my mum and I walked into the room where the service was being held and where they had just finished the visitation, Carter and his dad along with other family members were sat up at the front of the room. My breath stilled at the sight of his usually composed figure hunched over, his head in his hands as silent tears rocked his body.

Mum and I slipped into some empty seats next to Elli, who had surprisingly sat next to Maria. We each shared sad smiles, not knowing what to say. Death was a topic that was hard to approach when you were young, you were still at the point where your life had just begun.

The service was short, yet perfect. Carter's mum had always been the sweetest and kindest women that I knew, and the speeches that were given embodied her perfectly.

As people said their goodbyes to Carter and his family, Elli, Maria and I congregated in the back, my mum having gone home as Elli promised me a drive. We didn't want to go up with the rest of the crowd, but instead we decided to wait until we could get Carter alone.

A few other of our classmates gave us that same sad smile that we had shared as well as a shy wave as the left the funeral home, returning to the land where everything was okay for them.

I chewed on my nail as I watched Carter shrug off the few people that attempted to hug him or greet him in any way, knowing exactly how he must be feeling. I remember the numerous amounts of people telling me how they were so sorry for their loss, and they knew how I must feel. Their words hurt because they didn't know I felt, in fact I could only pray that they never felt this way.

Slowly the room emptied until it was only Carter and his family as well as us three left. I knew that it would be time for the burial soon, and that Carter would have to head up to the grave site- yet I couldn't let him leave without talking to him.

So Elli and I walked up to the front, leaving Maria behind, and watched as Carter turned around to us- his eyes bloodshot. He gave us a short glance before he turned back to his dad, mumbling hushed words. With one last glance in Elli and I's direction Carter slipped through a door at the front of the room, leaving us behind.

Elli and I stood frozen in the middle of the room, surrounded by empty chairs.

"He just needs some time," Carter's dad said, looking at us with a dazed look in his eyes like he was looking through us.

I nodded, knowing that could mean months or even years, yet I didn't want to broach the topic now- not when Carter's dad looked so broken. "I'm sorry for your loss."

He gave me a half-smile, "thanks, Zoe. Elli." With a nod to the both of us he disappeared through the same door that Carter had gone through.

"Well," Maria said from behind us, walking up the aisle to stand with us, "Carter looked like shit."

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Carter did look like shit. He looked like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders and that nothing us really mattered besides the fact that his mum was dead.

"I can't lose him Elli, not again. Not when I just got him back." My voice cracked in the middle, tears threatening to spill over. The pain from having to sit through another funeral was intolerable, not when I could picture my brother is his casket and the speeches that my family had said. Yet for some reason, the thought of losing Carter hurt more than the thought of my brother's funeral.

"Now you know how we felt." Elli sighed, fiddling with the speaker controls of her car. We had already dropped of Maria at her house and we were now on our way to my house.

"I can't imagine-"I shook my head, stopping the thought. I never knew that my form of coping, cutting the rest of the world off, would hurt others that badly. Sitting here now I wondered how it must have felt for my friends to feel as though they had lost two friends and not just Mark.

"Let's just be grateful that we got you back." Elli gave me a smile, reaching over to squeeze my hand. Looking back, I would not have been able to picture myself sitting here, with Elli, now. I thought that my life and Elli's had permanently changed directions, but it just goes to show how paths can always cross again.

"I just don't know what to do." I looked out the window, wondering where Carter was right now. I know that after the funeral I went home and I cried into my pillow until there were no tears left.

"Yes you do, Zo. You always have. You understand that boy like other's only dream of. You know what he needs right now, not us. Just like he knew you when Mark died..." She trailed off, her gaze containing a mixture of both happiness and sadness as she thought about Mark, "You know, the day after the funeral we were all desperate to go to you, so that we could all be together, but Carter was persistent that you needed time. Yet as days dragged into weeks dragged into months we thought that we had lost you for good, but Carter knew. He's always loved you, that boy has."

"I've always loved him." I watched as Elli pulled into my driveway, the light in the family room was on yet the rest of the house was dark. "I don't think that anything can change that."

"Then you know what to do." She reached over to give me shoulder a squeeze, "let me know what happens."

I gave her a quick hug before slipping out of her car to go into the house to join my mum. I felt myself dragging my feet, the weight of what had happened that day weighing heavily on my shoulders.

"You're home early." Mum looked up at me with a gaze filled with surprise, quickly moving to shuffle the papers that she had been writing on into one pile.

"What's that?" I asked, cocking my head towards the papers that she was trying to cover with her body.

"Oh, these?" Her voice raised slightly as she said like, like she knew exactly what I was talking about that.

"Those." They looked like official documents, and judging by the nice pen that my mum had dug out I knew that she thought so too.

"Well, you see..." Slowly she spread out the papers like they had been when I had come in, "I know that today isn't the best day for you to know this, not with everything that's going on but I'm filing for divorce."