I Let Myself Want You

33 ● Yohan ● 1.04.2023

I could see that it was hard for her, so I didn't want to linger in the house anymore, didn't want to make her look at me, so I gave her a hug, saying goodbye, and I left. Left the place that has been a home to me for the past few years, and then I drove to Jesper's. My new home. A new place, with an old person, a lost love, that thankfully came back to me.

When he opened the door for me, he was smiling like a mad man, but he also had tears in his eyes. "Fuck, I can't believe this is happening," he said, shaking his head in disbelief, letting me in and embracing me in a tight hug. "Two months ago you told me that you can't leave your family, and now something like this. Shit. I'm too emotional," he said, hugging me even tighter. "And as much as I'd like to cry over it, we're already late to your mom's, so you better go get changed," he added and pulled away from me.

Right. We were supposed to go to dinner to my mom's, since it was my birthday. I didn't want to see any people today, so it was going to be just Jesper and I, my mom, his mom, and Jisoo. Just family.

For some reason, a was a bit skeptic about seeing Jia and Elizabeth, mostly because they both didn't know about Jesper and I getting together. We may have told Jisoo, but she didn't tell anyone yet, just like we asked her to. "You know, I want to go, but I just- I need to tell her about the divorce and I'm not sure how she'll react to that," I admitted.

Jesper only frowned at me with confusion. "You know your mom will be okay with that. She'll be happy for you, Yohan, because you are finally happy," he said, touching my cheek lightly with such care and affection, I could literally melt under his touch.

"I still can't believe that my whole family knew about us in high school, and they never said anything," I said, thinking. I really wished they told me. Maybe I wouldn't have been so afraid, maybe I would have done the right thing.

"They wanted you to make your own decisions," Jesper pointed out. Sure. Fair point. But why? They saw that I was not doing good, they could have helped me if only they told me about it.

"Yeah, shitty decisions," I snorted. "Decisions that hurt the one person that matters to me most," I added, looking into Jesper's eyes. He suffered so much, and it was all in his eyes. And I hated the fact that I was a part of his suffering.

"Okay, we're done talking about the past," Jesper said sternly, giving me a tired look. "We have to live in the now. I want to live in the now, because I have you now. Okay? We're moving forward, not reminiscing about the past, not crying. Okay?"

I nodded eagerly. I could do that. Hell, I even preferred that. I was just still so fucking sorry for the way I acted. We could have had so much more time, if only I made different decisions. "Sure, if that's what you want," I said eventually and I went to change quickly, and then we finally left for my mom's.

Ever since dad died, I didn't really like being at the house, because it reminded me too much about him, and as much as I liked reminiscing, it still hurt. It's only been three months, and today was my first birthday without him. I reckon all the firsts are going to hurt.

"Happy birthday old man!" Jisoo was obviously the one to open the door, and after shouting that out, she let us in and she hugged Jesper first, since he was her favorite. "It's nice to see you guys, but you're kind of late," she said, looking at me with disappointment.

"Forgive the delay, I was finalizing my divorce this morning and moving out, and well, moving in, so you know, busy day," I said indifferently, like it was nothing, which was far from the truth. I was beyond happy that I finally did that.