I Let Myself Want You

28 ● Jesper ● 14.02.2023

Right. We are. But what I'm thinking about isn't exactly friendly, but okay. "I just really want to kiss you right now, that's all," I admitted, shrugging helplessly. I wanted to kiss him literally every fucking time I saw him, so it's not like it was a surprise.

What was surprising though, was Yohan's answer to that. "Then why won't you?" He asked curiously. And fuck. Okay. Stop. You didn't just say that, right? I must have heard wrong. But then I looked at him and I could see that he was serious, so I just laughed out loud.

He looked confused, or even hurt that I laughed. "You have a wife, man. A family. You said so yourself, a few days ago. You can't, because you have a family," I said, reminding him of it. What changed? He rejected me four days ago. What changed now?

"Sam and I have been fighting for months," he admitted. It didn't surprise me, to be honest. "It's been worse ever since dad died. She's working much more, and so am I. It's not looking good," he added.

Well shit. It's not like I haven't been waiting for this day for months, but- I still had some sense in me. "You're fighting. So what? It's not a reason to suddenly cheat on her, Yohan," I said sternly. As much as I wanted him, I didn't want him to become a cheater.

"Oh, so you don't want to kiss me anymore?" Yohan asked, a little offended. I'm sorry. Why was he offended? I should be. "I want to kiss you all the time, I just don't want to give myself false hope again," I answered, and I could see that he was really confused now. "False?" He asked.

"Yeah," I nodded in agreement. "I know you never felt anything for me, I know I'm an idiot for being into you. I'm trying to work on that. I'm trying to move on, though it's not easy," I admitted. Because that was the truth. I was trying my best to forget about him, I was desperately trying to fall for Scott, but it wasn't working.

"You're trying to move on?" Yohan asked, surprised. I would even say that he looked a little scared. Was he worried about me moving on? Did he not want me to? "Why?" He asked desperately, and wow, I didn't expect him to sound desperate, ever.

I snorted at that. Why? Why? "Well, twenty plus years of loving someone unrequitedly isn't exactly healthy, Yohan-ah. I'm hurting myself just by doing that, I need to stop," I explained, though I knew damn well that I would keep hurting myself, no matter what. I would never fall out of love.

We were still sitting on the carpet in between two couches, quite far away from each other, but I could see that Yohan was coming closer and closer with time. "What if," he spoke, sitting right by my side. "What if I don't want you to?" He asked. What? "To stop. To stop loving me," he clarified.

Wait. What? What? Are you fucking serious, Lee Yohan? I was seriously confused now. "Why?" I asked, frowning at him deeply. "Why would you care if I'm moving on? You have a family. And besides! You don't like men, so."

"I don't like men," he agreed, nodding slowly in agreement. "But I like you, Jes. I've always liked you. Even when I swore that I didn't, I did," he admitted. And well, I was basically having a nervous breakdown from the inside. He what?

"Okay, stop," I said sternly and got up from the floor. I started pacing like a mad man, trying to process all of it. "Don't. Just- Don't, Yohan. That's not nice. Don't say things you don't mean, please, just-"

"I do mean it though," he said softly and he got up from the floor as well, just to stand right in front of me. He grabbed me by the shoulders, so that I'd stop pacing. "I-I shouldn't have rejected you back then, Jes. And on Friday, I just-" He continued, but I couldn't believe that he was telling the truth.