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I can't do this anymore...Life is basically shit for me.
My mother always told me I came into this world for a reason and that there is no one like me, I am special and that I shouldn't underestimate myself, but I do...I can't help it. My mother and father divorced when I was born..even though I don't know him, my mother did and she loved him a lot, more than life itself. I shudder when I think about the early days of the divorce..
"WHY!? Why doesn't he want me? Why doesn't he want our baby!" My mother screamed as I wailed. My mothers puffy red eyes turned to me and immediately softened. She picked me up and put me on her bed, hugging me tightly as I grasped her manicured fingers, now bitten and chewed. She put the soft ancient quilt blanket over us and looked at me with glazed, watery eyes. I tilted my head and all she did was smile. "Just like her daddy" I put my tiny hands on her face as I said "Ma". Tears started to ooze out of her eyes as her smile brightened, almost blinding me. "Oh baby girl I wish your daddy was here .I am sure he would love to hear you say your first word. You are such a beautiful baby. I know you will achieve what you deserve. I know your just 8 months old and you won't understand me but you will remember with that sharp mind of yours. I have faith in you and I will always support you. Just remember your here in this world for I reason. You may not think you as special when your older, but you are. Your SPECIAL. "..
I smile and tears start to form in my eyes. I sometimes think if I wasn't born would my dad be with my mother. From what she told me was that she was happily married and there were no arguments or problems, at all.
What if it was because of you that your biological dad left. It does make sense..he left when I was just a few months old and they were happy... My inner voice muses.
Yes I have thought of this a lot. Even though my mother has her own company,that she made from scratch. She still has not started dating and is lonely. She keeps telling me and everyone who questions her on her dating life that I am her top priority and that she needs no man. All she needs is me.
Thanks mom but everyone knows that you need someone other than me as a protector..
I take a peek inside my mother's room. She is in deep sleep wearing her cream silk nightgown, that she says helps her to keep the nightmares away. The room smells of jasmine. There is a mahogany, Queen sized bed with a pale blue quilt blanket and silk, cream sheets. There is a dresser on the right side of the bed with a vanity. There are jewellery boxes, compacts, lipsticks, lotion, nail polish and so much more makeup.
She doesn't need all that chap. She is perfect, unlike me, plain old me... My inner voice griefs. Ugh! As if I need more people to tell me that.
There is a quaint little table on the left side with a vase of gardenias. The walls are pale blue with several family pictures, mostly of me when I was younger. There is also a huge floor to ceiling windows, hidden by a heavy and soft curtain, embroidered in roses and patterns of a diamond.
I softly stroke my mother's strawberry blonde hair and kiss her forehead, discreetly placing a note underneath her dainty hand. I rush out of the room and softly close the door.
Oh mom, you never deserved a daughter like me I hope you will be happy........
I go downstairs very quietly, trying to avoid stepping on the creeking steps. I reach the front door, push it open and greet the open surroundings. I turn around and lock the door, without looking inside as that will only make me cry like a baby. I go near my silver Mercedes but stop.
A walk would be better.
I walk aimlessly on the narrow Road, the only source of light is the yellow streetlight.
I don't know where to go, why did I not take a map with me. I don't even know what's ahead.
I walk, lost in my thoughts letting my heart lead me...somewhere,where I can end this cruel life of mine and there is NO looking back for me now.

It's time for the end of the line.

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