Enamoured with a Mortal

Chapter Nine

TW: Suicidal Thoughts/Suicide Attempt

Kaya POV

It didn't feel possible to have so many thoughts and emotions running through my head and yet to feel so empty at the same time. The man, the soldier, he told me it gets easier. He emphasises that he understands too. That bone-deep feeling of wrongness trying to combat the almost overwhelming feeling of duty. During the moments we were able to sneak out of view, or he would get away with visiting my room... my cell... room? He had placed his non-metal hand on my shoulder and offered the little comfort he was able to give. But we weren't in the same position. They all treated him with hope, as stable, as something to be relied on and not changed. They treated me with creativity, with a desire to experiment, as something to be altered, perfected. I didn't know if I could trust the soldier with the metal arm, but for now he was the only one like me. The only other experiment in a life full of scientists. What else could I do but fall back on my training? Manipulate the soldier, find the means to escape, maybe finally be free. Free of the training, of the confinement. Maybe I could save my sisters too.

***

Things changed. I knew that, on some level I knew that a lot of time had passed. Perhaps more than I had experienced, but that too was improving. Less experimentation made things far steadier and I was able to recall information clearer now. They'd found a good balance. No experiments, a regular dosage on my medication and fewer trips to the Crown.

So things had changed, but they were improving. We were working hard towards the greater good and for two years now I had been allowed on solo missions. Stable. That's how I was described in my last evaluation. Stable and well performing. And now a lot of time had passed in one place, talk was growing of having to move. If anything those particular rumours had only been growing stronger now. The Winter Soldier was more and more absent, which left me vulnerable, but it was easier to deal with now.

They weren't fucking with my memories as much either. That helped. Things felt concrete now. It made things consistent. Yeah, consistency. That's what I have now. Things still felt wrong. The blood on my hands had seeped into my skin so bone deep that the water never felt clear. But bad things had to happen to change the world. To make it right. To make it safe. Until something changed.

I thought the Winter Soldier was still gone. I thought he was still out on some mission, on standby in case something went wrong n in Guinea, due back in two weeks. So when a red card was tucked mostly hidden under my mattress I was surprised. As usual, I snuck out to a hidden part of the building, the one that saw the least guard activity and had no real surveillance. He was usually always there first so when I arrived to a mostly empty room it was confusing. Still, I waited as long as I could, honestly risking it a little too long. Then I heard footsteps approaching, ones that didn't sound like his approaching far too late to avoid them.

And there he stood. Young, maybe 19, from looks alone, so not much older than me. It was unusual for someone so young in a guard outfit in this base. The Winter Soldier told me it happens, but never here. Never around me. And he held up a red card. He'd been watching me for a while, I realised. In the background with the others who always felt too unimportant to pay attention to. He never spoke my name, though he must have known it if he was here, only calling me soldier or comrade. He made weird looks at me, ones I'd seen around from those who think they aren't being caught when they sneak into more private rooms out of curfew.

No one ever dared to look at me like that. It wasn't real though, it was slightly forced, I could see it in the deliberateness of his actions. But it was intriguing. He found out about our system and didn't report us, he brought me here to do something that wasn't allowed. He wasn't in that circle. We shouldn't talk. So why try? He said we should train together. That I could help him improve. Then he walked out. Said he'd see me later in a rubbish attempt at Russian. And what could I say other than okay, if not just to see how long until they made him disappear.