Yesterday i found the answer to the question thats been on my mind for years. "Why cant i just be happy?" because even when i am i feel pain under the happiness, waiting for me to break. Yesterday i found out depression is hereditary on my mothers side of the family. I had known i was depressed i have been its hard to ignore but i didnt know for sure or why until yesterday. And so i wrote this trying to help myself understand my feelings. I dont know if im done ill probably keep adding when i think of things.Please read and comment.
I'm jealous of everyone i see that is happy.
I'm mad at everyone who knew for not telling me.
Im mad at myself for not knowing.
I'm mad at ??? for my friends not acting like they care.
That the depression is so much bigger than me.
That this isn't something that will go away easily.
Pain haunting me, draining all my energy, hurting like 100 knives stabbing through my heart.
About weather or not anyone out there cares.
That there isn't and i truly am alone. Scared that ill never find my way home.Scared that knowing all this could change how you feel about me. Scared of disappointing you and being a disappointment.
No matter how many people are around me somehow i manage to feel alone.