Forever and always.

10.

Ezra

Holy shit.

Holy fucking shit— this idiot.

I'm going to pass out. He's in some fancy outfit— and nice jeans, with tulips. How the hell did he know I liked tulips.

My jaw dropped, and I looked over at Levi. He was staring, dumbfounded, at Felix. I can't tell if he's surprised he kicked the door open, is asking me out, is in a nice outfit, or all of the above.

My cheeks turn red. Honestly— I had no idea what to say.

I keep looking back between Felix and Levi. I can feel my face turn more red by the second.

Finally, I looked up at Felix. Procrastinating is out of the question, and so is rejecting him.

There's no reason to. It's not like I wouldn't date him.

Being dead honest— I've had a crush on Felix longer than he's had a 'crush' on me. Since fucking middle school actually. I've just been denying it— saying it could be another emotion.

It clearly wasn't.

So why did I act like I did?

Simple. I'm dense, and not good with words. I've never even told Levi about him— because at first it was all just high hopes. Really high hopes. He was and still his insanely popular— and good looking. He's always dating someone. Except... this year... since he's talked to me.. he's been single the whole time.

Honestly— I don't know why he would even think about asking me out. He could clearly get anyone he wanted— including me.

I've been staring at him for like, a minute now. I'm sure my face is absolutely red.

He continued looking at me with a hopeful look. The look. The way he looked at me when I first saw him.

"U-uh..." I stammer. Why am I hesitating? Just say yes and get it over with!

I slowly reach my hand up, and pull down on his sleeve. He sits down in front of me, and crosses his legs. He still had the flowers in one hand.

I looked down at the floor, then over at Levi. Then— back at him. At his face.

He has black hair, slightly curly. His eyes are a hazel-ish color. His nose was hooked and he had some freckles on his face. Only in a few spots. Just bellow his eyes, above his brows, and on his neck.

What good does it do for me to know this?

He tilts his head, and leans towards me.

I cover my mouth, and say as quietly and quickly as I possibly could, "yes."

He didn't hear me.

"Sorry... what was that?" He leaned towards me a little bit more.

"Uh.. y..yes..." I mumbled again, my hands still over my mouth.

"... Ezra... I still can't hear you..."

I give a pleading look over to Levi, and he just takes a bite out of his sandwich, and looks down at his phone.

He put his hand on my leg, still leaning forward.

I look down at his hand and my eyes widen. My cheeks turn even more red.

I stand up quickly, and run. To where? Who knows. I don't look back— just run. I run until I find myself in the bathroom.

Why am I like this? Why am I being so childish about this? Why can't I just accept his feelings? Accept that he actually likes me?

But... what if.

The what ifs are to strong.

What if he's making fun of me.
What if he's being dishonest.
What if he cheats.
What if he laughs in my face.

Am I stupid? I can't believe I'm doing this.

I close the the stall door, and lean my forehead against it. I put my hand on the stall, and try not to cry.

Why am I like this?

I could ask myself that question over and over again.

This shouldn't be this complex. One, two, three and we're dating.

What am I afraid of?

I sat on the toilet lid— hiccuping. Tears are flowing down my face. I pull my sleeve over my hand and wipe my eyes.

I'm shaking. Why am I shaking. Just.. be normal!

I was calling him yesterday.

I called him to tell him he was annoying— how he was persistent and should just find someone else— if that's even what he means..

He said no.

He said I haven't directly directed him yet— so he'll keep trying until I say 'no' to his face.

Until I say, specifically, "Felix. I will not date you."

I haven't said that yet. Directly.

I never say what I mean. When I'm trying to be honest about how I feel, it's like my throat closes. Like I'm having an allergic reaction or something.

I get a notification.
———
12:08

Felix: are you ok?
———
God damn it.

No I'm not. Whenever someone asks if your ok, the answer should always be no. People are fucked. No one's alright. Even if you think your alright— you always have a reason to cry. No one is alright.

I stare at the text, tears falling onto my phone.

I start typing, but delete.

Type, delete.
———
12:11

Ezra: no
Ezra: wait
Ezra: sorry

Felix: ??
———

I hate this.