Forbidden Fruit

Chapter 9: Apprehensions & Impressions

Sometimes attention can be worse than being alone.

Some things get blurred now. I no longer remember if they came from strangers or my own father. Sometimes the voices get so loud in my head and my chest, it feels like it's filling me from the inside out, squeezing whatever else inside of me to the background until I can't breath. Until it's all I am. An accumulation of all the ones who've beaten me down.

I don't even know what's left when all those voices are gone.

My mind hasn't been silent in ages.

But thankfully, oh so so thankfully over time, two voices have been able to be louder than the rest. Two voices have kept me afloat in a sea of desperation and failure, an endless abyss of expectations I never managed to keep in my grasp. Thomas. And Chandler.

I recall the words Thomas said to me that fateful night we met. The night that changed everything.

After we left Ameden and made it to the PD where Chandler awaited, Thomas told me something that I've always made sure to remember.

"All that you've been through wasn't just so that you could spend your life running. One day, you'll find a reason to live again, and the world will be better for it."

I thought it was cheesy when he said it, and even now, it kind of is, but it's almost like a promise he made me. Like an assurance that what I've survived wasn't just for nothing. That maybe there's more for me and not just what I can do and be for others. So I've held those words close to my heart, saving just a little pocket of hope in the chances that I would one day be able to cash in on that promise and find a reason to live again.

Those are the same words that give me the will to wipe my cheeks and catch my breath, willing away the voices that seem to come from every crevice and corner, droning them out with the words that have brought me comfort for two hundred years.

Eventually I'm able to get out of bed and drag myself into the shower, the scalding hot water doing little to settle the ache that I feel lately. But it does help me push it to the side once more as I steel myself to talk to Chandler. After procrastinating for another hour I'm finally ready, my break down from this morning miles behind me, my sheets already changed and fresh. I leave my apartment as I pop some gum into my mouth absentmindedly, cursing when I almost slam into an amused looking Thomas.

"Varness, Thomas you fucking scared me." I scowl at him before turning to close my door. While Divine Children, especially Angels, only care about their Divine Queen Celeste, the rest of us are far more connected with the Gods of this earth that have stuck beside us and walked the path of the weak. Varness, the Goddess of Wild and Lost things has always looked out for me, leading me towards Thomas that fateful day. The sneaky bastard himself, lives across the hall from me but I was hoping I would be able to sneak past him at least. No such luck.

"I had to see how long you planned on hiding. Guess you found your big boy stilettos today." He smirks and I smack him on the arm as I go to head down the stairs, completely ignoring the fact that we can both hear my nerves driving up my heart beat.

"Whatever I do is my business, Thomas, how many times do I have to tell you this?" I remind him with my sweetest most sweetest fuck you tone I can manage. And of course all it does it make the bastard laugh.

Oh how it pains me to have someone know me so well. A wretched blessing and a curse.

"How about when you stop causing me so much trouble, Trouble." He says pointedly so I make it a point to ignore him and continue my descent towards the lower floor and Chandler's office.

"Have you already reported to Chandler?" I ask him, expecting a yes, but when there's not I glance up behind me to see the  shit eating cheshire grin Thomas has on his face.